Letters
by GhostOfBambi
Summary: Abandoned by her best friend and suffering the torment of her hideous older sister - and her sister's hideous boyfriend, Lily Evans thought she was in for a boring summer. James Potter had other ideas.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: I think this story was originally written in 2006, which ages ago. Wow. Anyway, it was completely terrible and really badly written, but I have since rewritten it in order to save my own pride. All characters belong to the wonderful J.K. Rowling, apart from Beatrice Booth. She is a creation of mine who I am most proud of, and also features heavily in a story I co-wrote named Haggis from Algernon, which can be found on the account Rude_Gus.**

**Anyway, enjoy and review, please!**

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**Letter from Lily Evans to Beatrice Booth**

_Friday, 1st July, 1977_

_Dear Bea,_

_I miss you!_

_I apologise in advance for offloading a rant so soon, but I've only been home since yesterday and I'm already on the verge of assassinating my sister's boyfriend. Before you ask, no, it's not that awful Fergal Burke who was obsessed with rubbing his scarf against his face, she's got a new one now. His name is Vernon Dursley, or Vermin, as I have so fondly taken to calling him. He resembles a mountain troll, equals a mountain troll in intellect, talks of nothing but drills, and __does__ nothing but sit around our house on his fat bottom, whispering to Tuney and sending glares in my direction. He glares at me because he knows I'm a witch, you see, which just means that Tuney has decided to keep this one by her anorexic side for good. She never told any of her other beaux that her sister was a freak. Of course, he's perfectly nice when Mum and Dad are around, and I'm having lots of fun doing magic in front of them (oh, the joys of being of age!) and seeing them squirm. I'm sure he thinks I'm going to attack him. I wish I could._

_Therefore, my dear Beatrice, I am bitterly heartbroken that you've decided to leave me this summer, and am considering suicide. (I'm trying to guilt you into staying, is it working?) I'm horribly jealous that you get to go to France this year, while I stay at home with my parents and the human definitions of little and large. I think that Vermin is going to be here quite a lot._

_I'm horribly bored, and I have no one to talk to. Write back to me, Bea, I need some sunshine in my pitiful rain-cloud of a life. I fear this summer is going to be my most boring yet. Also, tell Aaron and Miriam that I said hello, and your parents, too!_

_Love you to pieces,_

_Lily x_

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**Letter from Beatrice Booth to Lily Evans**

_Sunday, 3rd July, 1977_

_Dear Mrs. Potter,_

_I bet you're all annoyed now, aren't you? I don't care! That's the beauty of mail, I can tease you about Potterkins all I like and you can't throw a heavy and/or pointy object at me. Therefore I say HA, Lily Evans! I'm perfectly aware that you will murder me when we get back to school in September, but it's worth it just to picture your face. Right now. I'd probably change my mind if you actually murdered me. Don't._

_We're leaving for France tomorrow, and I've got nothing packed apart from the school trunk that I haven't __un__packed yet, which is actually not meant for super fun holiday, and I think people will ask questions if I try to bring that on a plane. You see how much I love you, Daisy? I'm discarding a very important task in favour of writing to you. This means that you can't kill me when I get back._

_Your sister's boyfriend sounds incredibly sexy. (Ha!) _

_I'm joking, of course, you poor old cow. You know the rhyme, don't you: Fat and skinny went to bed; fat rolled over and skinny was dead? Make it your mantra, darling. What are you going to do with him all summer, besides have your way with him, you dirty, dirty girl? Maybe I should write to him and warn him not to antagonize you. Since you have no Potter to explode at, I fear that you're in danger of spontaneously combusting this summer and then your insides will be, like, everywhere. Please don't, if you do go and pull a stupid stunt like that I'll be really bored at Hogwarts for the next year and I'll have nobody to copy Potions homework from. I'm sure that with your non-mountain troll-like intelligence, you can come up with something interesting to get stuck into for the next two months. You should have taken me up on my offer to come with us!_

_The mother is calling me from downstairs, so I must go, but I love you, love you, love you loads, like cake! Give Vermin (branleur!) a kick up the arse from me, and give your Mum a hug from me when you get your foot dislodged from said arse._

_And now I bid you adios, in preparation for my French adventure. I'll let you know if I snog any fit blokes so you can be suitably jealous!_

_Beatrice xx_

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**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Monday, 4th July, 1977_

_Lily, my darling, the light of my life, the apple of my eye, the bulge in my - I could go on._

_But I won't, because that would be really disgusting and I'm a good, respectable boy. Seriously._

_How are you doing at home? Missing me yet? Since we parted company on Thursday morning, I have been distraught without you. Mostly. Occasionally. It's incredibly traumatic, being without you, you don't even know the half of it. I can't eat unless I'm hungry, and I can't sleep some nights, usually when Sirius is overcome with one of his insomniac fits and makes me go exploring Godric's Hollow with him, but still, I think about you a lot even then. The absence of your fiery locks and dazzling green eyes has created a void in my life which is impossible to fill, and believe me I've tried everything I could think of to fill it: pancakes, steak, chicken, etc. There was even an incident involving an engorged goldfish, but let's not get into that now._

_Anyway, you may wonder why I am writing to you even as you throw your hands in the air like you just don't care and shout with joy. Your dear friend Beatrice (you may ask her to be bridesmaid at our wedding, if you wish, just don't let her bring her crazy boyfriend. Bald people unnerve me) told me that you would be rather bored this summer, so I decided to shower you with attention in order to amuse you. Thoughtful, aren't I?_ _I would ask you to write back, but I have a hunch that you won't, so I might as well tell you now that I'm going to keep writing to you until you crack and write back to me. You can tell me to bugger off if you want, but you know as well as I do that that only succeeds in making me even more persistent._

_Until next time, you beautiful temptress, you, _

_James_

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**Letter from Lily Evans to Beatrice Booth**

_Monday, 4th July, 1977_

_Beatrice Ellen Booth, I am going to kill you._

_Tell me, if you please, what gave you the idea to suggest to Potter-the-idiot that he should contact me? Have you had a temporary lapse of sanity? Have you conveniently forgotten that I find him about as amusing as I find Vermin's hairy hands (urgh, gah, bleurgh)? I have to now face a summer full of annoying ramblings from Potter. If I didn't love you so much, Beatrice Booth, I'd hate you. I'd hate you a lot._

_I am sharpening my butcher knives in preparation for September 1st, upon which date I shall kill you and throw your bloodied, mangled body in front of the Hogwarts Express. Also, you know I would have loved to come to France with you all, but I couldn't have spent the entire summer away from Mum and Dad. I didn't get to see them at Christmas because, if you remember, I was at your house. I guess you've THROWN THAT BACK IN MY FACE, COW!_

_Adios is Spanish, not French. You were thinking of adieu. And what does branleur mean?_

_Lily EVANS x (and the x is given grudgingly)_

_PS. You have a boyfriend. His name is Karl. Although he may be bald, that is not his fault and he is still a very nice boy. Don't you dare cheat on him in Paris, you whore. LE xx_

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**Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter **

_Monday, 4th July, 1977_

_Potter, the bane of my existence,_

_As delighted as I am over the fact that pancakes and magically altered household pets cannot substitute for me, I must refrain from screaming in lusty delight, popping right over to your house and ravishing you on sight, and instead stab myself in the eye with knitting needles._

_Bugger off,_

_Lily Evans_

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**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Wednesday, 6th July, 1977_

_Evans, you wrote back, eh?_

_I knew it, you love me. The ladies just can't keep away._

_Please don't stab yourself in the eye with knitting needles. Your eyes are so beautiful and stabbing them would be a sad waste, although I'm flattered that you would go so far to resist succumbing to your powerful primal desire to indulge in passionate lovemaking with me. You hid that pretty well, I have to admit. Would that be why you pushed me up against the wall last May, hmm? And here was I thinking that you were just trying to knee me in the groin._ _I must admit that the thought of you zooming to my house in order to ravish me sent me straight to the seventh heaven of delight. You've made my week._

_Love and hugs and many annoying pokes to the back of the head, my darling, _

_James x_

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**Letter from Beatrice Booth to Lily Evans **

_Thursday, 7th July, 1977_

_Darling Daisy,_

_I was only thinking of you when I wrote to Potter. My fear that you would spontaneously combust took a forceful hold of me in a most unusual manner, and I panicked. I figured that if you had Potter to vent your anger on, you'd make it through the summer. That and I know you fancy him rotten, you filthy-minded little minx, you._

_France is lovely and sunny, and I look quite gorgeous with my tan. There is also an array of beautiful men to for me to feast my eyes on, although none are quite in Remus Lupin's league as of yet. You should be here, Poppy, the French boys would go wild over your hair, your eyes, and your skin, you lucky cow. Although in hindsight, bringing you would be a waste, as you would spurn them all. We all know by now that your heart has been captured by a certain messy haired, hazel eyed Quidditch player named James Potter. Don't lie and say that it hasn't, because your handwriting always slants to the right when you lie, and I'll notice._

_Anyway, I think I will go take a swim now, in this lovely, cerulean blue, crystal-clear, über-refreshing swimming pool, while the lovely hot sun beats down on my back and it continues to rain heavily over in England._ _Oh yes, I know I'm rubbing it in, but I might as well have fun before I die. Since you're definitely going to kill me now._

_Love you forever,_

_Bea xx_

_PS. Karl wouldn't care, just like I wouldn't care if he got off with someone in the Cotswolds, except he won't because he's bald (his fault, he wouldn't have lost his hair if he hadn't been so useless at Apparation) and more interested in insects. BB xx_

_PPS. Branleur is French for wanker. Another nickname for lovely Vernon!_

_

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**Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter **

_Friday, 8th July, 1977_

_Potter,_

_I hate you, _

_Lily Evans_

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**Letter from Lily Evans to Beatrice Booth**

_Friday, 8th July, 1977_

_Beatrice,_

_Words cannot describe how many things were wrong with your last letter, fille de joie._

_I do not fancy James Potter. I'll admit that he is rather blessed in the aesthetics department, and his hair cannot be equalled in terms of unexplainable… oomph, but that does __not__ mean that I am attracted to him. Yes, he has matured somewhat. Yes, he is rather funny (I suppose), and yes, you could say that we have been getting along much better lately and occasionally engage in good-natured banter, but I do not fancy him, and definitely do not love him. Not at all._

_Stop referring to me as Daisy, Poppy, or any other flower's name that's not my own! You know how much I hate it when you do that! And my handwriting does not slope to the right whenever I lie!_

_Love you longer, _

_Lily xx_

_PS. I'm well aware that you and Karl have an open and, quite frankly, psychotic relationship, but after three years together you both might want to start considering monogamy. You are engaged to be married, after all. You whore. LE xx_

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**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Saturday, 9th July, 1977_

_Evans,_

_No you don't._

_JP_

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**Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter**

_Saturday, 9th July, 1977_

_JP,_

_Is JP meant to be some new, cool nickname now?_

_You're right, I don't hate you, and I feel bad about saying that._ _I still want you to bugger off, though._

_Lily Evans_

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**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Sunday, 10th July, 1977_

_Evans,_

_No can do, I'm afraid._

_Beatrice tells me that your sister is dating an obese terror named Vernon, who smells like an old shoe, and who is making life difficult for you. Want me to come and beat him up? As I am super masculine and have a lot of muscles, I will be able to do so without any hesitation at all. A knight in shining armour must protect his woman, you know. Particularly from sweaty trolls._

_I've heard it told that women like romantic nonsense, so here we go: I've been keeping your replies in my bedside table, tied up with a ribbon. If you think that this is remotely girly of me, I feel like I should remind you that the ribbon is blue and I was fresh out of rubber bands and string. Blue because I am a man. A manly man. Padfoot saw the ribbon and suggested that I was homosexual, so I punched him for insinuating that you were masculine in any way. Has he not seen your beautiful curves, curves that have been known to drive many of the male students of Hogwarts wild, myself included? His response was that maybe I was latently homosexual. I think that you should tell him off._

_I'm sending you 2141 kisses, one for every day I've known you._

_JP x (x 2141)_

_PS. JP is a very cool nickname. Everyone says so._

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**Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter**

_Sunday, 10th July, 1977_

_Potter,_

_What has Beatrice been telling you? I can deal with my sister's boyfriend myself, thank you very much. The last thing I need is you turning up outside my house, wearing (knowing you) a suit of armour that you nicked from Hogwarts. You'd look like a fool and the embarrassment alone would send me to an early grave._

_I'm disturbed that you would keep my replies wrapped up in a ribbon, blue or not. However, I did laugh at your reference to your own supposed manliness. What manliness? Do you think you constitute a man, Potter? Has your voice broken yet? Is the chest hair finally starting to grow? And what's this about muscles? Where? How? Since when? I've seen twigs that are better built than you. In fact, the only parts of your body where any muscles can be spotted are your upper arms, and that's only because you spend most of your time throwing a leather ball around. You're a skinny twit, you idiot. _

_I'm sending you 2141 slaps, one for each day I've known you._

_Lily Evans_

_PS. Vernon smells more like a festering piece of cheese once stored in an armpit than a shoe, but it was a close enough comparison. I suppose he smells like one of your shoes. LE_

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**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Monday, 11th July, 1977_

_Lily,_

_I am a man. A manly man of much manliness, sporting bulky muscles everywhere; and I wouldn't have been made Quidditch captain if I were not. Do not attempt to deny this, because I know you don't even believe it yourself. Why, you've just admitted to possessing a deep, lustful obsession with my biceps!_

_What are you wearing? (Sirius said to write this, not me)_

_James xx_

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**Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter**

_Monday, 11th July, 1977_

_Potter,_

_I'm wearing clothes. Lots of clothes. Lots of ugly, bulky clothes._

_Also, is sex all you ever think about? I was just curious, since you're being a complete pervert right now._

_Lily Evans_

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**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Tuesday, 12th July, 1977_

_Lily, you even make bulky clothing sound beautiful._

_Unfair! I'm not a pervert! Perverts do… perverted things, like get themselves off in the bushes and try to touch girls up on public transport. I don't do things like that, shame on you! If I __do__ get carried away by the fact that you are, and this is entirely your own fault, absolutely gorgeous, and make comments that I perhaps should be slapped for, I can hardly be blamed. I am a manly man, after all, and a manly man has manly thoughts. You are quite welcome to examine my chest for hair very closely, if you wish, by the way._

_To answer your question, though, sex is not all I ever think about. I'm pretty sure it takes more than an incredibly strong attraction to a beautiful girl to make a bloke chase her for several years, unless he's the type of bloke who lives to brag about his conquests. That really isn't the kind of crap I'm into, to be honest.__ I might have only liked your looks in the beginning, but I'm all grown up now. There's no way I'd still be doing this now if I didn't think you were amazing, but I do, even when you're all angry and acting like a smart-alec. Especially when you're acting like a smart-alec; it keeps me on my toes. _

_Stop signing your name so formally, you daft old bat,_

_JP_

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**Letter from Beatrice Booth to Lily Evans**

_Wednesday, 13th July, 1977_

_Bonjour, Geranium!_

_You do fancy him, you liar. I see you salivating over his fine form at the breakfast table every morning when you think nobody's looking. I bet that instead of going to the Owlery every morning after breakfast like you say you do, you actually run up to our dorm to change your knickers, you filthy wench. Stop being so immoral, Rose. Really though, I can hardly blame you, James Potter is sex on legs. The things I'd do to him if I could aren't fit to be written here. The things I'd do to Remus Lupin, however, are not fit to even be thought of. They're probably not legal, even here in France, and everyone knows that France is a breeding ground for sleazy perversion. Ooh la la._

_I'll call you whatever I like, Snowdrop. And so what if the thing about your handwriting was a lie? You still fancy the bloke. Minor details are minor and not worth thinking about._

_Are things going well at home? Have you seen Snape around anywhere? I hope Petunia's not being a bitch. I hate that you're stuck with that selfish, jealous little cow. She only dislikes you because you're a beautiful, intelligent and witty girlie, who bakes lovely cookies, whereas she is none of those things. Also because you have magical powers and she wants them. Nothing's really going on with my family at the moment, except that Aaron's moaning because his band have got two gigs while he's away and he doesn't get to play with them and get it on with their groupies like the slut he is. Mum and Dad say hi, and Miriam says that she misses you loads. I also miss you loads, actually. Shocking, I know._

_Oh, I dropped my wand off the Eiffel Tower yesterday, which was fun. Not fun was when it landed on the ground, shot sparks at some little child and burned a hole in his trousers. Thankfully, Miriam and Mum are both afraid of heights, so they were there to snatch my wand up before anyone else could get to it. It would be just my luck if You-Know-Who happened to be hanging around, disguised as a Chinese tourist._

_You want the Potter love,_

_Beatrice xx_

_PS. You're right. I am getting married to the poor old sod. As my maid of honour, I should tell you in advance that I want Remus Lupin naked at my hen party. I don't care how you do it, just get it done. Ask Potter to help you. He'll do anything you ask him to, especially if you repay him with physical favours. BB xx_


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: I cannot take credit for Karl because he is based on Karl Pilkington, so if anyone wonders why Lily and Beatrice's mentions of him sound familiar, that's why.**

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**Letter from Lily Evans to Beatrice Booth**

_Wednesday, 13th July, 1977_

_Beanpole,_

_You, missy, do not appreciate culture! I can't believe you managed to drop your wand off the Eiffel tower! What were you trying to do, exactly? Immobilize pigeons? Baton practice? Summon Remus Lupin to you from across the Channel? The inner workings of your mind confuse me even more than the inner workings of mine do._

_Things are actually quite good here at the moment. Petunia and Vermin went to Sheffield to meet Vernon's parents and sister yesterday, so they'll be gone for a few days. I'm still bored as ever, though. It can be pretty awful staying here for the holidays when your best friend has buggered off to France. I haven't spoken to any of my old friends since before Hogwarts and I wouldn't know what to say to them anymore. And the only other friend I ever had here was Snape who, I don't have to tell you, is most definitely not my favourite person. I haven't seen him around here, luckily. He's probably off in Death Eater training camp (I hear they have great dental), learning how to murder Muggle-borns. How pleasant._

_Anyway, my point is that I'm lonely! We've only been into our hols for two weeks and I'm dying for seventh year. I sound like a right swot, don't I?_ _Potter sent me a very sweet little letter yesterday, and I might as well be honest with you, Bea, I'm glad he's writing to me. At least his ramblings provide a release from boredom, and thinking up smart replies take up some time too. So I suppose I should thank you for writing to him._

_I know you're going to rub what I just said in my face when you get back. However, I don't care, because you're getting married to a bald person. Ha. Hahaha. Hug Miriam for me! How has she been doing lately?_

_Love, _

_Lily xx_

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**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Friday, 15th July, 1977_

_Lilyvanilly,_

_My last letter rendered you speechless with joy, didn't it? I'm sure you were not aware that a manly man such as I could be so mature and lovely and dashing. I would giggle, but it's not very manly, is it?_

_JP x_

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**Letter from James Potter to Grace Evans**

_Saturday, 16th July, 1977_

_Dear Mrs Evans,_

_You do not know me, but I felt compelled to write to you. _

_My name is James Potter. I will not be so arrogant as to presume that your daughter may have mentioned me to you, because she doesn't like me very much, so just in case she hasn't, I will tell you a little about myself._ _I am a Gryffindor in Lily's year in Hogwarts, and that's all you really need to know about me. You've probably seen me before at Platform 9¾, so I'll refresh your memory. I'm the devilishly handsome (and manly) bloke who picked up your handbag when you dropped it two weeks ago._

_Anyway, the reason I'm writing to you, Grace (can I call you Grace? It's a rather lovely name, and Lily's middle name, too, if my sources are correct.), is because I want to thank you profusely. Why, you may ask?_

_Well, for Lily, of course. Your beautiful, intelligent, vivacious, charming daughter has been the only source of sunshine in my dreary old life for the past six years. Her mere presence is enough to render me deliriously happy, her smile enchants me, her eyes dazzle me, and even though she yells at me every time I encounter her, I feel like I have been bestowed the greatest honour on earth when she does. I am a mere minion who worships the ground she walks on. I am hopelessly in love with her._

_Therefore I would like to thank you for giving the world your daughter. I bow down at your feet and I humbly deposit myself for your scrutiny. I would thank your husband, but he is a rather large man, who, as I gather, is very protective of Lily, and I fear he would try to physically harm me in some way if I did. You may think I'm a cheeky sod for writing to you like this, but I feel you need to know that you have created an angel, although you're probably aware of that already. How anyone could know Lily and not adore her senseless, I do not comprehend._

_Alas, I must retire now. My Mummy wants me to wash the dishes. You have my sincere respect and admiration,_

_James Potter_

_PS. I fully intend to marry your daughter._

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**Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter **

_Saturday, 16th July, 1977_

_Potter,_

_Firstly, don't call me Lilykins. I'll kill you if you ever do it again. Second, don't try to charm me._ _Third, I wasn't rendered - GAH!_

_You may wonder what the above break in proper sentencing was for, Potter. I will tell you. As I was writing that sentence, my mother came in and showed me a very interesting letter she received earlier. Therefore, I am going to knee you in the balls when we get back. What on earth possessed you to write to my mother? Moreover, how do you know my middle name?_

_I am going to kill you, slowly, and with my bare hands._

_Lily_

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**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Sunday, 17th July, 1977_

_Lily,_

_I like your knees, they are very pretty. It heartens me that you think my bits worthy of being abused by your beautiful knees._

_James x_

_PS. Slowly, and with your bare hands? Sounds delightful!_

_

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**Letter from Lily Evans to Beatrice Booth**

_Monday, 18th July, 1977_

_Beatrice, _

_I'm going mad._

_Potter wrote a letter to my mother._ _My mother!_ _He wrote the biggest amount of defecation I have ever heard, sent it to her, and now she bloody adores him! I'm serious! She thinks he's wonderful. She came running into the room to show me the letter, and then bombarded me with questions, such as 'Why on earth do you dislike him, he's a darling!' and 'Oh, well I remember that he was a very handsome young lad, don't you think so?' She thinks our children would be really cute, Bea. Our. Fucking. Children. Children! I can only imagine the ghastly results of Potter and me procreating. Blah._

_Oh, I'll just send a copy of the letter, and let you see for yourself. Apparently, he's going to marry me. If this is the case, I'd like to ask you to be my maid of honour, and as my maid of honour, I should tell you in advance that I would like to be poisoned at my hen party._

_Do you want to know the worst part, Bea?_ _The worst part is that_ _I can't tell you the worst part. It's too shameful._

_Lily xx_

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**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Tuesday, 19th July, 1977_

_Lily,_

_Is there a reason you're not writing back to me?_

_JP_

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**Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter**

_Tuesday, 19th July, 1977_

_Potter,_

_I'm ignoring you,_

_LE_

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**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Wednesday, 20th July, 1977_

_Evans,_

_Why'd you write back to me, then?_

_JP_

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**Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter **

_Wednesday, 20th July, 1977_

_Potter,_

_To tell you I'm ignoring you._

_LE_

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**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans **

_Thursday, 21st July, 1977_

_Evans,_

_So why'd you reply to that one, too?_

_JP_

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**Letter from Lily Evans to Sirius Black**

_Friday, 22nd July, 1977_

_Black, _

_Make Potter shut up, please._

_How are you, by the way? I heard that you were staying with Potter for the summer. How are Remus and Peter too, if they're there?_

_Lily Evans._

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**Letter from Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew to Lily Evans**

_Saturday, 23rd July, 1977_

_Lily,_

_How are you, old chap? I'm absolutely spiffing. Still a frigid cow, are we?_

_James Potter is a free spirit, and can do as he pleases. It is not my place to make him shut up. As you are a ferocious campaigner for equality and all of that other self-righteous shit, I would have thought that you, of all people, believed that all living creatures have the right to free speech. You should be ashamed of yourself. Fie on you!_

_Sirius  
_

_Dear Lily,_

_How are you?_ _I'm staying with James, Sirius and Peter right now, as you obviously would have gathered, since we are all sharing the same parchment._ _I'm doing well at the moment. Full moon's coming up, as you know, and I can't say I'm looking forward to that. Mostly I've just been hanging about with these three, relaxing and trying to stop Prongs from offending you when he writes. Honestly, if you think the letters you get are bad, you should see what I convinced him not to write. I didn't know about the letter to your mother, however. I can assure you that I would have stopped him. That said, no harm seems to be done. She wrote back to him and gave him her full blessing. It made his day._

_Write back, it's always nice to speak to you,_

_Remus_

_Hello, Lily!_

_I hope you're having as fun as summer as I am, although James said that you're quite bored at home. I hope Snape hasn't been stalking you again! James has been asking us all whether or not he should invite you over for a few days, but we all forced him not to do it by kidnapping his cat. You should consider it, though! He lives near Godric's Hollow, which is a really brilliant wizarding village, lots of fun, and James' Dad got us tickets to some Quidditch matches. You're a Harpies fan, aren't you? We're going to see them play the Tornadoes on August 22nd, and you could come if you wanted. I think you'd have fun with us. Well, Remus and me, at least, and James isn't too bad! He'll keep his hands to himself if we kidnap Algernon again. Think about it!_

_Talk to you soon,_

_Peter_

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**Letter from Beatrice Booth to Lily Evans**

_Saturday, 23rd July, 1977_

_Daffodil,_

_Don't call me Beanpole. I'm not __that__ tall._

_I took a break from laughing my arse off to write this letter to you. It's just as well, because I needed to reply to the letter before that, anyway. I haven't been able to because I've been busy lolling about and enjoying myself. In Paris. Oh yeah, baby._

_It's good that you're happy Potter wrote to you, he's such a lovely bloke. Also, I can't believe he wrote to your mother! The vile cretin! Do I sound like I'm contradicting myself, because I am? Except that the latter comment about Potter was completely untrue. Potter is not a cretin, he is a genius, a hot, sexy hunk of man-genius. Marry him and have Potter babies! I found his letter to your Mummy adorable. Now he has Grace Evans and all of her maternal gumption on his side, you might as well give in and let him deflower you. You know you want it, I know you sit up at night having impure thoughts about Potter covering you in chocolate and licking it off. Ha!_

_I wish I could give you a hug and make up for the absence of friends, but most unfortunately, I have to go to the Notre Dame cathedral, and then join my family for a cruise on the French Riviera tomorrow. Oh, the torture I must endure! You can't see me, but I am throwing my hands over my eyes in quite a dramatic fashion. And looking quite gorgeous doing so, I may add._

_Miriam is good. She's really coming along with her lip-reading, which is good because we don't have to sign everything that's said to us by other people to her anymore. Well, we still have to sign a lot, but not as much. Also, Karl is bald, yes, but what he lacks in hair, he makes up for in flexibility!_

_J'adore you, my dear,_

_Beatrice xx_

_

* * *

_

**Letter from Lily Evans to Beatrice Booth**

_Sunday, 24th July, 1977_

_Bea,_

_You wouldn't call being 5'11" tall? You deluded beanpole._

_Beatrice, my very best friend,_ _I hope you managed to reattach your arse, you'll probably need it one day. How unfortunate that you are in France. You are now rubbing it in so much that I'm surprised I don't actually have the word 'France' smeared all over my face._

_As for Potter, I am severely annoyed with him at the moment. So much so that I am going to chop his unmentionables off and puree them with mangoes. Therefore, it would be quite impossible for me to have Potter babies. My mother is probably picking out my wedding dress already, but she wants grandchildren, so she'll drop it. Please don't ever suggest that I may enjoy having chocolate licked off my body by Potter ever again, because I think I'd rather kiss Vermin. That is a lie, of course, but you get the point of what I'm trying to say, yes? Being covered in chocolate would only make a terrible mess, and I'd be all sticky afterwards. What a waste of time._

_Eurgh, eurgh, eurgh, I'll never be able to look Karl in the eye again. What have I told you about filling me in on the details of your sex life, Beanpole? There is to be no discussion of intercourse until I have also lost my virginity, as per our agreement of December 1796!_

_J'adore you too,_

_Lily xx_

_

* * *

_

**Letter from Lily Evans to Peter Pettigrew and Remus Lupin**

_Sunday, 24th July, 1977_

_Peter! How goes it?_

_Potter is right, for once. I'm having a mind-numbing summer here in Surrey. My parents are lovely, as usual, and my malevolent big sister isn't here at the moment, but I still have nothing to do. Therefore, I think that you are quite evil, tempting me with a Harpies vs. Tornadoes match like that. You know my weakness for Quidditch, Peter! Regarding your invitation, I think it would be best not to answer that question at present._

_Snape has not been stalking me again, I think he got over that last summer after Beatrice put a kibosh on it by kicking him in the groin. Even if he was stalking me, however, I couldn't tell you because you know as well as I do how Potter would react. And as much as I love seeing Potter suffer, I really don't want him to go to Azkaban. I'd miss his cat!_

_Have fun and don't eat anything Black gives you, you know the drill,_

_Lots of love,_

_Lily_

_Dear Remus,_

_Hello! I'm glad to hear you're doing well, and I'm even gladder to write to you. Proper conversation at last! Between Potter and my insane best friend, I'm surprised to find that this type of conversation is still in existence!_

_Thank you for protecting my delicate eyes from Potter nonsense. What would I do without a friend like you? How is everything in Potter-land, anyway? Can I hazard a guess? At this precise moment in time, Sirius is sitting somewhere, staring out from beneath his fringe and pouting darkly, Peter is eating, and Potter is looking at his reflection in a mirror. I'm good, aren't I?_

_Beatrice is in France at the moment, and I am horribly bored. Do you have any idea when we will be getting our letters from Hogwarts? I still can't believe you actually told Dumbledore you would refuse Head Boy-ship if you were offered. You're such a capable Prefect, everyone respects you so much, and there's nobody else who is better fitted to the job than you! You are fully deserving of a scolding for this._

_I better finish now. I can see an owl at the window. Have a really fantastic day, you deserve it!_

_Lots of love, _

_Lily_

_

* * *

_

**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Sunday, 24th July, 1977_

_Evans,_

_Not writing back to somebody who writes to you is incredibly rude and MEAN._

_Meanie._

_James_

_

* * *

_

**Letter from Sirius Black to Lily Evans**

_Tuesday, 26th July, 1977_

_Evans,_

_Prongs tried to drown himself in a basin full of dishwater yesterday. We think you've finally broken him. Who knows what he may do next? We fear he may be planning death by garden hose._ _It is up to you to end this child's suffering._

_James was a quiet baby..._

_Sirius  
_

_

* * *

_

**Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter**

_Wednesday, 27th July, 1977_

_James,_

_For the love of God, please don't drown yourself._ _I've been forced to come to the conclusion that I'd be terribly distraught if you died._

_So write away, I rather miss you,_

_Lily_


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the elusive Beatrice Booth. Isn't that a wicked name?**

* * *

**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Thursday, 28th July, 1977_

_Lily,_

_No, you've ruined it now. You had your chance with me, and you blew it._

_Yours with undying love,_

_James Potter xx_

* * *

**Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter**

_Thursday, 28th July, 1977_

_James,_

_I feel it's my duty to inform you that your 'cutting' letter was rather ruined by the 'undying love' part. And the kisses at the end._

_I am not going to cave in and grovel just to make you 'forgive' me (my, aren't I using a lot of 'these'?), so you really should change tack. You were the one who humiliated me by writing to my mother, or has that slipped your miniscule mind? Although I must say that it was funny. I'd write back if I were you, Potter, I won't be in this complimentary mood for long._

_Lily_

* * *

**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Friday, 29th July, 1977_

_Lily,_

_Of course I forgive you!_ _You called me James! Twice! You have no idea of the dizzy heights of euphoria I reached when reading my name in your beautiful handwriting. From now on, whenever I feel disheartened, I will just read that letter you sent me on Wednesday, and console myself with the fact that one day you will be:_

_1) Screaming my first name. (I hope you get the innuendo, it's infinitely more difficult to be suggestive when I can't raise my eyebrows at you.)_

_b) Signing all your letters with 'Lily Potter'._

_3) I cannot think of a third one at the moment, so I will instead tell you that you have beautiful lips._

_Love, _

_James 'your future husband' Potter_

* * *

**Letter from Beatrice Booth to Lily Evans**

_Friday, 29th July, 1977_

_Lily Grace Potter,_

_I'm coming home from France to see you!_

_I know, I know, we're not supposed to be going home for another three weeks, but my Mum got food poisoning! How lucky am I? That sounds rather insensitive, doesn't it? Who fucking cares, though? She's ill, and she wants to come back home. You know my Mum, she doesn't trust foreign doctors and I don't think we'd be able to take her to a Healer. I think she's a bit miffed because my aunty Leanne had her twins before we left and she never got to see them. _

_But enough of that, we're coming home on the 31st. You can come and stay with us! As soon as Mum stops throwing up everywhere, obviously, I don't really want you to see that. Don't worry about Aaron, either. I took those photos of you out of his bedroom before we left, and I've made him promise that if he really feels the need to write more songs about you, he's not to stand in our garden at four in the morning and throw pebbles at the window until you agree to listen to it. That would be stupid, especially since he lives in the house and could just as easily sing from outside your bedroom door. I told him as much, too. Bring earplugs._

_By the way, the thought of Potter's unmentionables and pureed mangoes put me right off my escargot and I was very angry with you. Then Mum told me that escargot were snails, and plus, that's what we think gave her the food poisoning, so I think I owe you and Potter's unmentionables a thank you. Will you thank his unmentionables for me? I'm sure he'd appreciate it more if you did. You keep being nice to Potter and we may be able to discuss the act of fornication sooner than we thought! Make sure you tell me what he's like in the sack, yeah? I bet he's good, I just bet he is. Have you seen the size of his hands and feet? Ding-dong!_

_I'm going to go pack, but I'll see you soon, my pretty!_

_Beatrice xx_

_PS. Seriously, though, I bet the boy is __huge__. Ding-a-ding-ding!_

* * *

**Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter**

_Friday, 29th July, 1977_

_Potter,_

_Oh, you make me laugh._

_I don't know what amused me more, the way your list was in the format 1), b) and 3), or the actual contents of the list. Or maybe it's just the thought of you raising your eyebrows at a piece of parchment._ _You are a hopeless arse, has anyone ever told you that?_ _Maybe we could talk about something not related to your raging hormones?_

_Lily_

* * *

**Letter from Lily Evans to Beatrice Booth**

_Friday, 29th July, 1977_

_Beatrice Ellen Pilkerson (I can't believe you'd actually take Karl's surname, it's so silly!)_

_I'm sorry, I know that I shouldn't be saying this, but I'm so glad you're coming home! Thank Merlin for food poisoning! I've missed you so much. It's been a month since I've seen you, which is far too long! Of course I want to come and stay! Your invitation has come at the perfect time, too. Petunia came home from Vernon's this morning, looking as if she was coming back to prison after a week of parole. Vermin is staying with his sister for a while, so at least I'm rid of him now. However, it doesn't matter because I'm going to stay with you soon! Let me know when your parents want me over, please. I don't mind your nutty big brother much, as long as he doesn't start writing songs about me again. He's a lot saner than Snape, anyway. Besides, I thought you said he has another girlfriend now? _

_I forgave James for writing to my Mum. It's hard to stay angry with him for long. He's too bloody funny, and his interminable desperation is rather charming, in its own way. Please do not suggest that I may be falling for him, and remember my threat about your body lying mangled beneath the Hogwarts Express._

_This letter is probably not even going to reach you, is it? It'll probably land on some unsuspecting child in the middle of Paris, with any luck, the same child who was hit by your wand sparks._

_Write to me as soon as you get home!_

_Love you, _

_Lily x_

* * *

**Letter from Remus Lupin to Lily Evans**

_Saturday, 30th July, 1977_

_Dear Lily,_

_I had to laugh when I got your last letter. It turns out that when I read it, Sirius and Peter were doing exactly what you said they would be doing, and although James was not looking at his reflection in a mirror, he __was__ looking at it in the back of a spoon, so I think that's close enough. I told them, and while Sirius and Peter are amused by the predictability of their own actions, James is now convinced that you two have a special mind bond. He's sitting across from me at the table now, writing what is probably a tenth draft of a letter which I would bet my life is probably going to be addressed to you. It's quite funny, actually. He has ink on his nose and doesn't know it._

_I was told that Beatrice Booth was going to France. She's very lucky. My parents brought me to Versailles before and it was beautiful. I suppose you miss her terribly. Is she with her boyfriend or with her family? James is desperate to invite you over for the day, but he knows that you'll refuse, so he bites his tongue, literally. It was bleeding yesterday because Sirius purposely hit him in the groin with a Bludger, and he bit down on his own tongue in shock._

_It's not that I don't want to be Head Boy, Lily, but I'm just very tired, and what with the N.E.W.T.S next year, I don't think I'll have time to study, be Head Boy and deal with falling ill every month. If it wasn't for, for want of a better description, my 'furry little problem' I'd jump at the chance, but it does interfere with my health for a few days every month and it's always difficult to get back on track afterwards. I know you'll understand that._

_I'm sure you'll write back, so I'll talk to you soon,_

_Remus._

_PS. James said that he read the letter you sent to Peter and he's told me to tell you that if he ever is sent to Azkaban as a result of protecting you from Severus Snape, you can have Algernon. I don't know what he means by this, and I also don't know why he couldn't tell you himself, but when it comes to James, I've learned not to ask questions._

* * *

**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Sunday, 31st July, 1977_

_Lily,_

_That list mistake was deliberate. At least, that's my story and that's what I'm sticking to._

_Of course I can talk about stuff not relating to my own hormones. I seem to recall us having some fairly normal conversations last year. Granted, they all ended in you slapping me because I somehow managed to piss you off, but I could sometimes manage a good hour or so without being a prat. What would you like to talk about?_ _I don't really have any news, except that I thought Sirius was glaring at me yesterday, but it turns out he was just trying to look directly at the sun._ _He would write and say hello, but at the moment, his corneas have been burned out. It's his fault for assaulting me with a Bludger the other day. He hit me in my special area and I accidentally bit my tongue. I'm in a lot of pain (both my tongue and my special area are smarting quite a lot) at the moment, and could definitely use some tender loving care, courtesy of the most beautiful girl in the world. What do you think?_

_James xx_

* * *

**Unsent letter from Lily Evans to James Potter**

_Sunday, 31st July, 1977_

_Potter,_

_I don't know. I suppose we could talk about the fact that I can't bloody stop thinking about you._ _Or I could explain how the only reason I didn't want to write to you this summer was because I was hoping that if we didn't communicate, I could get over whatever it was that I've been feeling for you lately._ _Or maybe you'd like to know that I think you're funny, and great to talk to, and intelligent, and rather lovely. Or that even though your glasses don't sit right on your head and your hair is far too messy and you're slightly on the skinny side, I think you're the most gorgeous human being on the face of the earth. I could tell you that I'm really glad we called a truce last year, because now I can have normal conversations with you._ _Oh, and maybe you'd be happy to know that I really look forward to your letters and get annoyed if you don't reply the day after I write back._

_Or there's always the thing about how I miss you._

_Luckily for me, I'm going to burn this letter, and you are never, ever going to see it. Ever._

_Lily_

* * *

**Actual letter from Lily Evans to James Potter**

_Sunday, 31st July, 1977_

_James,_

_You want the most beautiful girl in the world to give you some tender loving care? But I thought you liked me! I'm very hurt right now, Potter._

_I suppose I could use your advice in regards to a certain matter with which you are greatly acquainted: Revenge. My older sister Petunia came home from a holiday the other day, and is being really horrible to me. I desperately want to hex her, but I obviously can't because my parents would yell at me and I wouldn't get any dessert at dinner._ _As you are head Marauder and well-practiced in the art of stealth, can you advise anything that would both serve to drive her crazy and go unnoticed by my parents? And yes, before you die of surprise, Lily Evans is asking for your help to pull off a prank. Don't go biting your tongue again._

_Lily_

* * *

**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Monday, 1st August, 1977_

_Lily,_

_Head Marauder? Well practiced in the art of stealth? My, so many compliments! You are one step closer to the inevitable day when you tear all of my clothes off and mark me as your own. All over my body, preferably. My very manly body. Manly, Lily. Like a man._

_I do have an idea to deal with your sister, but you have to promise me that if I tell you, you'll give me a hug, otherwise the deal is off._ _What is she doing to be horrible anyway, I'm curious? Why would anyone want to be horrible to their own sister, especially when that sister is you? I'm glad you're not my sister. I think that being in love with your sibling may be frowned upon. Incest, I think it's called, or France._

_Before you read the rest of this letter, I'm warning you in advance: Don't panic. This is not an invitation to my house or inside my boxer shorts. Beatrice wrote to me recently to inform me that she is coming home from Paris, so I was just thinking that maybe we could all go to Diagon Alley on the same day, or something. That is to say, you, Beatrice and the Marauders could go. I would include Karl, but I fear that Remus would become jealous if I did and also, that bloke and his bald head scare me. We could indulge in a completely harmless, purely platonic day of shopping for school books, during which time I will not attempt to hug, kiss or fondle you. Unless you want me to, of course, because I'd never disappoint you._

_James xx_

* * *

**Letter from Beatrice Booth to Lily Evans**

_Monday, 1st August, 1977_

_Bluebell,_

_Oh Merlin, you will not believe what has happened. We got home yesterday, and I found out that my forty-two year old mother was not suffering from a bad bout of food-poisoning, but pregnant. Pregnant! With child. My wrinkly old parents are in their forties and are still going at it. How does one get pregnant at forty-two? I thought she'd dried up!_

_I think I'm going to vomit all over the place._

_Beatrice xx_

_PS. How wrong is that?!_

* * *

**Letter from Lily Evans to Beatrice Booth**

_Tuesday, 2nd August, 1977_

_Bea,_

_I'm sorry, but I must laugh at your predicament!_ _How can you not be happy about this? Aren't you happy that your parents still love one another and that you're going to have another sibling? Maybe you'll get the baby brother you always wanted! This is so exciting! I'd love a little brother. Sisters are awful, unless they're __your__ little sister. Miriam is amazing._

_On another note, I know this is going to sound a bit insane, but do you think that Potter really does like me? It was just something he said in one of his letters about being in love with me, it's stupid, but I keep thinking about it. One minute I think he does like me, and the next I'm convinced that it has to be a joke. Has he ever said anything to you about me? I know you've been writing to him._

_I'm just curious, that's all. Do not read too much into this!_

_Lily xx_

_PS. How's Karl? Have you heard from him?_

* * *

**Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter**

_Tuesday, 2nd August, 1977_

_James,_

_Yes, I'll hug you. It's quite funny really, Potter. You should have asked for a snog. As I am that desperate to exact revenge on my dear sister, I might have agreed to it._ _But no matter, eh?_

_Diagon Alley sounds good! I'm going to stay in Beatrice's house soon, so I'll write you and let you know about a day we could all meet when I arrive there._

_Lily x_

_PS. Beatrice's mother is pregnant and Beatrice is sickened about it. Hehe._

* * *

**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Wednesday, 3rd August, 1977_

_I shake my head exasperatedly, Lily Evans,_

_If you want to snog me, you don't have to drop hints like that. Just grab me and do it. I assure you it would be quite a nice surprise, and I promise that you'll enjoy it. Don't berate me for what I've just said, because you can't honestly expect me not to respond to that last letter any differently, you tease. I will get you one day, as you are fully aware. I plan to have those beautiful lips on mine by the end of the year. Not the school year, either. It will happen this year, 1977. Don't try to fight it, Evans, and don't blame yourself. It's only natural that you have these feelings for me._

_To annoy your sister, put a little bit of fibreglass in her bed. It'll get under her skin and itch for days, and she won't know what it is._

_James xxx (that little 'x' you sent me did not go unnoticed)_

_PS. Hahaha. Booth's parents had sex. Sucks to be her._

* * *

**Letter from Beatrice Booth to Lily Evans**

_Wednesday, 3rd August, 1977_

_To Lily, my ex-best friend,_

_You laugh at me! I'm hurt! How would you feel if you knew that Grace and Andrew were getting down and dirty all night long? It's not nice. I feel like I've been abused. And speaking of parents, I talked to mine today. Do you want to come and stay next week? You may have to overhear my parent's steamy sessions, so I hope you're able to handle that. I'm now terrified that I'll wake up one night and hear them at it. It's also quite possibly the first time I've ever been jealous of my little sister because she's deaf._

_You know, for someone who hates Potter, you spend a lot of time talking about him. Just pointing out the obvious there. Of course he likes you, you stupid cow! He never shuts up talking about you in his letters. "Where's Lily? Will she be back soon? What's Lily's favourite colour? Lily likes bacon, doesn't she? Does Lily really think my hair looks stupid? Does Lily ever mention me?" He's obsessed! In a nice way, though, not in a creepy way like my brother is. Aaron is going out with a girl named Jilly at the moment, but that doesn't mean that he won't attempt to jump you when you get here. Pack a knife alongside the earplugs._

_Beatrice xx_

_PS. Karl is absolutely fine, I think. I don't know, really, he just went on about the animal life in the Cotswolds in his last letter. As per usual. I suppose I do love the old fart, really. I wish he was a bit better looking, though, I'm far too attractive for him. Speaking of attractive people, have you heard from Remus Lupin lately?_

* * *

**Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter**

_Thursday, 4th August, 1977_

_James,_

_Wow, Potter, your humour never fails to delight me. It fascinates me that your brain seems to tell you something completely different from reality._ _Tell me, have you ever considered seeing a consultant psychologist?_

_Lily Evans x_

_PS. Don't be mean! It's not _that_ funny!_

* * *

**Letter from Lily Evans to Beatrice Booth**

_Thursday, 4th August, 1977_

_Beatrice,_

_Yes!! I would love to come and stay! Thank you so much! I am ignoring the comment about my parents and resisting the urge to vomit on this parchment because I'm so delighted that I get to come and stay with you! You and your parents who like to have noisy and disturbing sex. Haha!_

_I fancy Potter, Bea. Ok? Are you happy now? Would you like me to tattoo it to my forehead? Does is please you to know that for the last six months I've wanted to throw myself at him and beg him to lie on top of me every time I see him?_ _I hope it does, it should at least make somebody happy. I am clearly insane. Also, regarding Aaron, I think I might share a room with you at your house, if that's alright with you. You've scared me slightly._

_Lily xx_

_PS. You are getting married to Karl, not Remus! Stop being a whore!_

* * *

**Letter from Beatrice Booth to Lily Evans**

_Saturday, 6th August, 1977_

_Rhododendron,_

_I think you sent me the wrong letter the other day, Iris. Unless, of course, I unknowingly changed my name to James and suddenly show signs of needing a consultant psychologist, in which case it's for the right person. Although I thought I always needed a consultant psychologist._

_Write back and tell me about staying, anyway!_

_Bea xx_


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: Not mine, as always. Except for Beatrice.**

* * *

**Letter from Lily Evans to Beatrice Booth**

_Saturday, 6th August, 1977_

_Bea,_

_Please tell me that you're joking. Please, for the love of Merlin, Remus Lupin and all Remus Lupin related products, tell me you got the letter that I intended to send you, read it and decided to pull an extremely sick joke. I won't get angry, I promise. I'm completely disregarding the fact that there's no way on earth you could have known what was in Potter's letter unless I had sent it to you, in favour of blind ignorance. I'm hoping that it'll pay off._

_Just for curiosity's sake, how do you think Potter would react if I sent him a letter in which I may have alluded to the fact that I may, (although it's doubtful) have a very, very small, almost miniscule crush on him?_

_Shut up,_

_Lily_

* * *

**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Saturday, 6th August, 1977_

_Lily,_

_I don't know if you're already aware of this, but I got a letter from you the other day, and when I opened it, it had Booth's name at the top. Using my impressive reasoning skills, I figured that you sent me the wrong letter. I'm not only a very manly man, but very perceptive one too, you see. Therefore, I put it back in the envelope and sent it off. Sirius wanted to read it, but I, being the chivalrous chap that I am, defended your honour, and your privacy, and kicked him in the shin. Remus is very proud of me._

_Therefore, I have been devoid of your correspondence for nearly four days now. This is unacceptable. Being the kind, caring angel that you are, I'm sure you will reply as soon as possible. You wouldn't want me to waste away from misery, would you?_

_Have you opened the parcel that came with this letter yet? If you have, you'll probably know why I sent it. It I saw it in my old toy box yesterday and thought of you. Its funny how so many nice things make me think of you. Remus says it's not that many things actually remind me of you, it's that I'm just constantly thinking about you, but either way, I think about you a lot._

_Adore you with all of my heart and my soul and everything else I have (except this chicken sandwich, as I'd really like to keep it to myself)._

_James x_

_PS. You never answered my question about your sister._

* * *

**Letter from Lily Evans to Beatrice Booth**

_Sunday, 7th August, 1977_

_Beatrice,_

_If you got my last frantic letter, please ignore it, and while you're at it, will you find the letter you got that was meant for Potter, and put it in the bin?_ _I don't know if you've got it right now, but apparently Potter sent the letter meant for you right off, so I won't bother explaining it. You'll understand when you read it, which you probably already have. I would have been thoroughly humiliated if James had read it. Thankfully though, he saved my life and didn't._

_He sent me the loveliest little present yesterday. It's a little stuffed octopus, and it's so cute, all blue and velvety and soft! I feel silly telling you this, but I slept with it last night. I think it belonged to him when he was little. I am madly in love with this octopus, and so will you be, when I come over._ _I was going to talk to my mother and ask her if I could stay earlier, and then I remembered that I am seventeen and I don't have to. Hurrah! Of course, I asked anyway. She is my mother, after all. My point is: I can stay, so when do you think I can come over?_

_Many hugs,_

_Lily x_

* * *

**Letter from Lily Evans to Remus Lupin**

_Sunday, 7th August, 1977_

_Dear Remus,_

_Sorry for the little delay in writing back, there was a bit of a letter crisis going on, but it has been resolved, thankfully._

_What can I say, I'm psychic! Also, you boys are quite predictable. Sirius is always pouting from beneath his fringe and Peter likes to eat a lot, so it wasn't exactly an impressive prediction. As for James, I will admit that it was a lucky guess, but again, not astounding considering his overly feminine obsession with personal maintenance._ _Also, as much as I'd love a special mind bond with James, I must disagree with his opinion. If we had a special mind bond, surely he would have gotten the message and buggered off all those times I wanted him to._

_Beatrice came home from France early, actually. She was with her parents, not Karl (why on earth do you ask, hmm?) and they came back to Somerset because they thought that Marion (that's her mother) had food poisoning. It turns out, though, that she's just pregnant. With child! Beatrice is disgusted, and I find it hilarious._

_Sorry about giving you grief about being Head Boy, I should have understood beforehand! To make it up to you, I've sent you some biscuits. Oh yes, my famous homemade chocolate chip cookies, that I never make save for special occasions. I've charmed them to stay warm. If you don't think they are the best cookies you've ever eaten, you have a serious problem and deserve to be thrown beneath a bus, or the Hogwarts Express. You'll be able to join Beatrice there in September._

_Give Potter a cookie, will you? I still feel bad about his poor little tongue._

_Lots of love,_

_Lily_

* * *

**Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter.**

_Sunday, 7th August, 1977_

_James,_

_Thank you so much for the letter, the present, sending Beatrice's letter to her and helping me out with my sister. I think that's all, although Merlin knows I may be missing one out. In any case, I suppose I owe you a lot of hugs._

_Petunia and I have a rather complicated history, you see. We were very close, apart from the odd row or two, until I discovered that I was a witch. Well, until I got my Hogwarts letter, really, because I've known that I was a witch since I was nine, thanks to Severus Snape, which you already know. I don't think she allowed herself to believe in magic until the letter came. She was really upset with me on our first day because Snape and I found a letter from Hogwarts in her room. She'd written to Dumbledore and asked him if she could go to Hogwarts too, you see, and he obviously couldn't let her. I would have understood if she'd just been angry about our looking through her things, but she seemed to blame me for her lack of magical ability too, for some reason. I've never really been able to figure it out. It also doesn't help that Snape tried very hard to alienate her whenever he could. I should have tried harder to make him stop, I suppose, but during our summer holidays I'd usually let him because I'd be so upset with her already. I suppose we're both at fault, really. I sometimes wish that we could put it behind us and be friends again, but I just don't see it happening._

_Petunia's boyfriend is a complete pig, too. He's morbidly obese with a hideously ugly face and an even uglier soul. He fusses over Petunia in the most sickening, love-struck way and he makes me feel really unwelcome whenever he's here, even though this is my own house! I sometimes want to grab his head and drown him in the pond in our back garden, but I think I'd end up out of breath if I even tried to move his thumb._

_I suppose I've rambled on for long enough, but see, Potter? No sarcastic comments or insults have been directed your way, I'm getting better at the whole 'friends' thing, be proud of me._

_Is that all I am to you? Just a quick thrill until a juicy looking sandwich filler comes along?_

_Lily x_

* * *

**Letter from Beatrice Booth to Lily Evans**

_Tuesday, 9th August, 1977_

_Dearest Tulip,_

_Ha! Ha! Once more with feeling!_

_I knew you liked Potter, you daft cow. It was the most obvious thing in the world, my dear, even more obvious than old Sluggy's crush on you! I'm just glad that you've finally decided to admit it! Lying to me is unacceptable, lying to yourself is perfectly abominable, and lying to poor little James, who has been eating his heart out for you since the day you met, practically, is worst of all. I don't see why you don't want him to know, however. I think it's rather unfair to not tell him about it, Lily Evans, you're a tease! If James went off and got a new girlfriend, now, you'd miss your chance with him, and then what? You know what you must do, don't you? Sex him up, woman!_

_Anyway, on less pleasing topics, do you want to come over on Saturday? My Mum and Dad are going to Manchester to see Aunty Leanne and the babies, so we'll be all on our lonesome in the house._ _Maybe we could invite James over, eh? Eh? Imagine me nudging you in the ribs right now, and I'll have created my desired effect._ _Oh, I am going to enjoy teasing you so much!_

_Madam Whiplash x_

_PS. Does Mr. Octopus have a name? _

_PPS. When you have the Potter babies, can I be godmother? Can I come to the wedding? Will you tell me what he's like in bed? Oh, dear, that just reminded me of my own parents. Why must I self-harm in this way?_

* * *

**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Tuesday, 9th August, 1977_

_Lily,_

_What a lovely long letter I received from you yesterday! Getting to the most pressing point immediately, you do owe me a lot of hugs indeed, and I'm keeping count, believe me._

_I can assure you, Lily dear, that no sandwich filling will ever come between us. It was hard, breaking the news to the chicken that I was dumping it for you. The chicken cried, pleaded, and threatened suicide, but I held strong, and our love has finally been accepted by the chicken. The last time I heard, the chicken is now living happily with a jar of mayonnaise, and they are expecting their first artichoke._

_I'd dearly love to get hold of your sister and have a word with her, and her boyfriend, too. Whatever her personal problems with you are, her boyfriend has got no right to stick his fat nose in where it's not wanted and make you feel like that. I wouldn't go giving your sister grief just because she's a bitch to you, no matter how much I'd like to. She's your family, and it's disrespectful. You've probably been told already, but she's plainly jealous of you, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it because her problems are out of your control. It's not like you can stop being a witch just because she's not one. I think it's really sad that she's blocked you out of her life for such a stupid reason. She loves you, no matter how much she thinks she doesn't, and she'll realize it one day. In the meantime, you've got Booth and your other friends, and your parents, and me, and we all think you're amazing. _

_I'd like to smack Snape for making it worse, but I won't, because you wouldn't like me any more! _

_I kissed this parchment before I sent it to you._

_James xx_

_PS. I'm glad that you liked Dr. Hackenbush, my stuffed octopus, or at least, I presume you did, because he hasn't been sent back yet. Take care of him and give him lots of hugs, but not too many, or I shall become wildly jealous and challenge him to a duel, which will surely end in his untimely death._

* * *

**Letter from Lily Evans to Beatrice Booth**

_Tuesday, 9th August, 1977_**  
**  
_ Bea,_

_Funny you should mention my octopus. His name is Dr. Hackenbush, he's the nicest cuddly toy ever, and he smells like James. I love him dearly. In fact, I will even consider bringing him to your house on Saturday to properly introduce you. Just don't go getting any ideas about stealing him, he's all mine._

_Furthermore, I've decided that marrying Potter and having Potter babies isn't such a bad idea after all, and I intend to do it one day! We can live in a lovely little house, filled with stuffed sea creatures, various sandwich fillings and boxes full of fibreglass, and be blissfully happy for the rest of our lives. I don't care if you tease me, by the way, because even though you're dating Karl and you and Remus clearly fancy each other, James Potter likes __me__._ _Hah. Also, I'm not drunk, befuddled, confounded, or under the Imperius curse. I am in sound mind and health. My awareness is as sharp as always._

_I can't wait to see you on Saturday, gorgeous girl!_

_Love you (a little more than Potter and almost as much as Dr. Hackenbush)_

_Lily x_

* * *

**Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter **

_Wednesday, 10th August, 1977_

_James,_

_I must say, your assurances about that chicken have put my mind at ease. Do you know how much sleep I've lost over that chicken? Really, James, I don't know what you ever saw in her, that shameless hussy. I'll hex her wings off if I ever see her flapping around you again, so don't even think about it._

_Hackenbush is being well cared for. He's my second best friend now. I think you're right to be jealous of us. After meeting a man/animal like Hackenbush, I'm not sure another would ever be good enough. Alas, I think he may be pining for my stuffed dolphin, so my heart has been shattered._

_I'm going to Beatrice's on Saturday, so if you want to write to me, you can reach me there. We can organize Diagon Alley then._

_Lily x_

_PS. I'm not amazing at all, but thank you for what you said._

* * *

**Letter from Hogwarts to Lily Evans**

_Thursday, 11th August, 1977_

_HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY_

_Dear Miss Evans,  
We are pleased to inform you that you have earned the position of Head Girl. This is a position of utmost importance and honour, and it is with great pride and every faith that we offer it to you. As Head Girl, you will be expected to organize patrols, Hogsmeade weekends, Prefect meetings, and keep general order among the younger students. We would also like to remind you that the Head Boy and Girl are crucial in our effort to strive towards Inter-House unity. You will find enclosed your Head Badge, along with the list of all necessary books and equipment for the coming school year. _

_Term begins on 1 September._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Minerva McGonagall  
Deputy Headmistress_

* * *

**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Friday, 12th August, 1977_

_Lily 'Head Girl' Evans (because really, who else would they have made Head Girl but you?),_

_Guess who's been made Head Boy?!_

_I think that as Head Boy, I should try to make a difference in the school, so I've already thought of a great plan. I'm going to begin a petition for shared Heads dorms. Isn't that the best idea you've ever read in your life? Just think of it, Lily, me and you, you and I, working together, living together, sleeping- Oh look at that! A bird just flew right into my window, and it was carrying a worm, and oh, now the worm is sliding down the glass..._

_Anyway, where was I?_

_James xx_

_PS. You're more than amazing, and you're very welcome._

* * *

**Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter**

_Friday, 12th August, 1977_

_James,_

_The only thing more disgusting than the idea of a mutilated, half eaten worm making its slimy way down a pane of glass is the idea of you and me sleeping together. You pervert._

_And congratulations, this is so great! I'm really proud of you!_

_Lily xx_


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Not mine. And sorry about the lists if they're confusing, but they took me ruddy ages!**

* * *

**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Saturday, 13th August, 1977_

_My Lily,_

_I assume you're in Beatrice's house now? I didn't address it to her house specifically, just to you. My owl will find you anyway, he's really clever. He is my owl after all, which automatically makes him the best owl in the world. His name is The Owl, if you're wondering, which I think is an ironic and funny name for an owl. It's quite brilliant, actually, almost as nice as your owl's name._

_Somebody has a dirty mind, Evans! I never mentioned sleeping together in the naughty way, just sleeping, in separate beds, in separate rooms. You're the one who started on about intercourse. Not that I'd mind that, obviously. Sharing is caring, as they say. I should also add that the worm is very offended that you called him disgusting. At least, he would be if he weren't dead._

_Anyway, my Head Girl, school starts again in nineteen days! I don't think I can wait that long, however. I'm dying to see you. If I were to suggest a visit to Diagon Alley on Friday, what would you say in response? The lads and I will be going then, and I'll be bringing Algernon, who I know you're missing. Write back and let me know. You can give me those hugs you owe me in such abundance._

_Love,_

_JP x_

* * *

**Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter**

_Sunday, 14__th__ August, 1977_

_Potter,_

_I am in Beatrice's house. Your owl arrived about a half hour after I did and landed right on top of my knickers. I can only assume that this is because your owl is exactly like you. That would, by default, mean that he is far from being the best owl in the world. I think my own is much better. He never goes scratching around in your underwear, does he? I have trained him well, and he is now a respectable, loveable little creature, even if his name is James. You named him before I got the chance! Not that I don't appreciate the Christmas present, or anything, but I would have given him a much nicer name than James. Like vomit-face, for instance, except that I'm lying about that and I absolutely adored the name James until the day I met you. I kind of like it again now, actually. Don't tell anyone._

_I checked with Beatrice and Friday is fine. Where in Diagon Alley would you like to meet and at what time? How many hugs exactly do I owe you?_

_Lily x_

_PS. I don't want to share a bed with you!_

* * *

**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Monday, 15__th__ August, 1977_

_Lily Grace Evans,_

_You owe me seventy-three hugs, thus far._

_It is my sad duty to inform you that Algernon, evidently jealous because you love your owl more than you love him, tired to attack James, but I held him back and he escaped mercifully unharmed. He's sitting in a pile of my underwear now, calming himself down. Like her owner, he seems to want to situate himself in my pants. As a thank you for that act of heroism (my manly rescue of your owl), you owe me a kiss on the cheek. You won't be getting James back until you agree to it. Consider it a ransom of sorts._

_We'll meet you in Fortescue's at about one, if that is fine and dandy with you._

_James xxxxxxx_

_PS. You'd better get used to the idea of sharing a bed with me if we're going to be married_

* * *

**Letter from Remus Lupin to Lily Evans**

_Monday, 15__th__ August, 1977_

_Lily,_

_How have you been? Congratulations on making Head Girl! I knew you would be picked for it._

_Firstly, don't worry about the Head Boy scenario, I don't mind at all. In fact, it's heartening to think that my friends have so much faith in me. I can't believe that I find myself saying this, but I think that James is an excellent choice for Head Boy. He's intelligent, respected by most of the other students, knows how to take the initiative, and a natural leader. Of course, he's still a miscreant who acts like an idiot, but he wouldn't be James if he wasn't, so I don't think it matters. Sirius is mocking him quite a bit about it, but I suspect that he is actually quite proud of him. I gave him the biggest cookie in the box you sent and he put a preserving charm on it and put it in his bedside table, along with your letters. I'm starting to worry about him a little, to be honest._

_On the subject of your cookies, they were absolutely delicious. I ate half, hid the rest and returned to my hiding spot the next day to find that Sirius had hunted them down and eaten them. He has a very keen sense of smell. Don't ask me how I know that._

_James tells me that you agreed to meet us in Diagon Alley on Friday. That's good; it will be nice to see you again. You and Beatrice, I mean. That's nice about her parents, although I can see why she wouldn't think that. Anyway, I think James said something about Fortescue's, but he had mashed potato in his mouth at the time, so it was difficult to decipher what he was saying._

_Until Friday then,_

_Remus_

* * *

**Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter**

_Tuesday, 16__th__ August, 1977_

_James,_

_Let me get this straight. I owe you seventy-three hugs and a kiss on the cheek? That is not happening, unless, of course, you can list seventy-four reasons, which you can't, so Lily has the last laugh (and talks in third person, oddly enough)._

_Give me my owl back, you ruffian!! Merlin knows what scary and uncouth experiments you are conducting on him right now. I don't think Algernon will be too happy to hear that you accused him of trying to eat my owl, either. He is not the jealous type. You on the other hand, are completely different. As sad as it is, I can easily believe that you would grow jealous of an owl whom you purchased and named yourself, just because I might be fond of him. Which I am, by the way. I love James. _

_By the way, I have it on good authority (i.e. Remus) that you talk with your mouth full, which is another reason not to procreate with you, Potter. No child of mine will be taught disgusting table manners by a ratty-haired father._

_I want James sent back right away, and Friday at one sounds fine,_

_Lily x_

* * *

**Letter from Lily Evans to Remus Lupin**

_Tuesday, 16__th__ August, 1977_

_Hello Remus!_

_I'm absolutely fantastic, how are you feeling?_

_I agree with you about James. He'll be a great Head Boy, albeit a scary, obsessive-stalker type one. A great one, nevertheless. That is slightly alarming about the cookie; it really is better off being eaten, and not worshipped like some sort of edible Buddha statue. Perhaps Potter just supports the preservation of biscuits, or something. One never knows what queer freak may enter his head at any given time._

_See you on Friday,_

_Lily_

* * *

**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Wednesday, 17__th__ August, 1977_

_To Lily,_

_I'm sorry, but you asked for it._

_You owe me seventy-three hugs and a kiss because:_

_1. I love you._

_2. You're the most beautiful girl alive. The goddess Diana herself would pale in comparison to you. And as you are quite pale, that's saying something._

_3. I'm actually going to bother writing out seventy-four reasons. Who else would do that?!_

_4. I tried to drown myself in dishwater for you. If nothing else, it proves that I do household chores. Why else would I be near dishwater? Ergo, I'm good husband material._

_5. Drowning ones self in a dish basin is a traumatizing experience. I need your calming touch._

_6. I've spent one hundred and two Galleons on gifts for you in the past, many of which you refused and/or threw away/at my head. Apart from the owl, because that would just be needless animal cruelty. I believe you owe me some form of apology. That eagle feather quill was sharp, I still bear the marks._

_7. I could be worse._

_8. On the other hand, I couldn't get any better if I tried._

_9. I'm Head Boy, and if we put up a united front, it could only benefit the student body in general. There are many reasons for this, none of which I can think of at this present moment._

_10. Our children would be gorgeous, brainy, good at Quidditch, and possibly so phenomenal that they would save the wizarding world from Voldemort or something like that, due to an excess of amazing genes. Not to mention the sexy hair they'd inherit._

_11. I'm offering the world the gift of my procreation and deserve proper compensation. From you. In the form of procreation-related activities._

_12. My fantastic facial features alone are a reward. And I'm alliterative._

_13. My correspondence has whiled away many hours of your time during which you would otherwise be bored._

_14. The school year is a tough time, it's always busy with things to do, read, write and see. All I ask is for you to slow down, take a chance, and hopefully find something in me that's worth you time. Go for it, what have you got to lose?_

_15. Peter came up with number fourteen, and I wrote it down because it's so bad, it's funny. I knew it would make you laugh, and I love to make you laugh. Savvy?_

_16. You're an Aquarius and I'm an Aries. It's just right. And alliterative._

_17. I'll allow you to name our first born._

_18. You know what would be a great name for our first born? James._

_19. Do you remember that day that you misplaced one of those amethyst earrings your grandmother gave you and I searched all over the school for it? That was a selfless act. I missed Quidditch practice that day. That's proof that I don't just do things for my own gratification. It was for you, because when you're happy, I'm happy. Doesn't that merit a hug?_

_20. Come to think of it, that kind of was for my own gratification, but only because you have such a spectacular smile and I can't help but feel uplifted when you direct it at me._

_21. Your Mummy loves me._

_22. Your Dad doesn't, but you have to rebel against at least one of your parents._

_23. I bet I'm better looking than your sister's boyfriend. You could rub it in her face._

_24. Dumbledore's a smart man, even though he's a bit barmy. He paired us up as Head students. What does that tell you??_

_25. I can cook a really fantastic roast chicken dinner. Just throwing that out there…_

_26. I bet the absurdity and desperation of this list is making you laugh. Don't you want a man who can make you laugh?_

_27. I sent you __Dr. Hackenbush__, and although you two have forged a strong bond, his loyalty remains with me. So if you don't, he won't love you anymore._

_28. If you don't, I'll perform Hari-Kiri._

_29. Or self-Immolation_

_30. Or __Sallekhana, even._

_31. It took me ages to research those suicide methods. That shows determination, resourcefulness, and slight insanity. What more could you want?_

_32. I have to live with Sirius._

_33. I have to put up with frequent jibes from Sirius about how pathetic I am, and how I'm fighting a lost cause._

_34. Being told that one is fighting a lost cause twelve times a day can get a man down._

_35. And I know you wouldn't let your beloved James sink into a depression._

_36. You wouldn't let me sink into a depression because you're a kind, caring, compassionate person, with nice legs._

_37. How many other blokes would be romantic enough to write countless love-letters to the object of their affections? _

_38. If you don't, I'll have to flee the country in shame, and then who else will write you amusing/romantic letters? We've already established that no one else will._

_39. So you'll be lonely and bored, and you'll start looking for things to do._

_40. For example, you could become a Kleptomaniac and start stealing things from Honeydukes, just because you miss the thrill that opening my letters used to give you._

_41. Or you could sit up at night worrying about me, and slowly but surely begin to suffer from insomnia._

_42. This could result in either, A) You'd get arrested, and I couldn't bear to think of Dementors besmirching your pretty little soul._

_43. or B) You'd get bags under your eyes. And no one wants premature bags, do they?_

_44. Remus thinks it's a good idea. Did you know that? Remus is really clever. Really, really clever. His judgment is not to be faulted. He's a wise old wolf._

_45. That's not to say that Remus would be better boyfriend material than me. I'm not talking him up to you or anything. Leave Remus out of this!_

_46. If all else fails, and I never do get to call you my girlfriend, at least I can always hold on to the memory of being kissed on the cheek by Lily Evans._

_47. Imagine if I didn't even have that? Can't you just picture me, in a little flat, all on my own, dying of a broken heart._

_48. Could you really live knowing that you were the cause of my death??_

_49. You just have to, Evans. No other girl could ever measure up to you. I'll be celibate forever if you don't._

_50. Thus, robbing the world of the gift that is my offspring._

_51. Thus, you'll go from being universally loved to being universally hated._

_52. And you'll have to hide in your house all alone._

_53. Which means you'll never get to go on a date, so you'll remain celibate forever too._

_54. I have a really bad hand cramp right now._

_55. And yet I am carrying on regardless._

_56. I'm very well endowed. Down there._

_57. I held a door open for you on the last day of term._

_58. I picked up your mother's handbag on the last day of term too. It could have been stolen. By a Kleptomaniac. You see how bad Kleptomania is for you?_

_59. I'd play with your hair for you every night if we got married. I know how having your hair played with helps you sleep sometimes._

_60. We both like treacle tart. That right there is a sign from Merlin himself that we are meant to be. Merlin himself, Lily!_

_61. I'm just the right height for you. Just tall enough to be able to protect you from nasty evils and rest my chin on your head when I hug you; but not so tall that I strain my neck trying to kiss you._

_62. I love you. Can I use that one twice? It is a fairly powerful statement, after all. I would also like to add that I love you for who you are, and I wouldn't change a thing about you._

_63. Well, I'd change one thing, I'd have you love me in return._

_64. If you don't take me, some other poor girl might have to suffer being married to me, and I'd make her life hell because she isn't you._

_65. Lily and James just sounds good, doesn't it?? Imagine: 'You are cordially invited to the wedding of Lily and James…'_

_66. I've spent two hours on this list so far._

_67. I didn't make any spelling mistakes in this list._

_68. I actually checked the list __three_ times_ to ensure that I didn't make any spelling mistakes._

_69. Do you have any idea how hard it was to think of seventy-four reasons?? I'm going to have a migraine after this._

_70. Migraines aren't very nice, yet I would suffer one just for you._

_71. You love me. It's true. You said 'I love James' in your last letter._

_72. I'm holding your owl hostage and you're just not getting him back until you do._

_73. Peter is really, really hungry…_

_74. You know you want to._

_Regarding my table manners, I only talked because Remus asked me a question at the time, and it would have been rude not to answer him, lest he think I was ignoring him. So really, I'm very polite, and our son (little James) will be too. Can't you imagine him, sitting at the table, with windswept hair and sparkling green eyes, stuffing mashed potato into his mouth?_

_James Lancelot Potter, esq._

_P.s. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (and that's seventy-four kisses)_

* * *

**Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter**

_Thursday, 18__th__ August, 1977_

_James,_

_I seriously regret asking for it._

_1. I love Beatrice, but I'm not about to snog her, am I?_

_2. The goddess Diana may have been very pale, therefore it would not be difficult. I find your obvious confusion between literal and figurative endlessly amusing. And no Potter, I'm laughing at you, not with you._

_3. You need to get out more. Or seek help. I'll send you the number of the woman my auntie Annette used when she started having conversations with the china dogs in her living room._

_4. You stuck your head in a bowl full of dirty, greasy water? How heroic. A good husband would not submerge his head in filth._

_5. If someone had tried to drown you (a likely possibility) I would understand, but you brought it on yourself._

_6. I never asked you to spend that much money on me. It is a completely absurd amount. And maybe I should refresh your memory. The giving of that eagle feather quill was followed by an attempt to stick your tongue in my mouth!_

_7. You're right. You could be Voldemort._

_8. You're right. You're beyond salvation at this stage._

_9. We can present a united front without being romantically involved. Are you familiar with the word platonic? Ask Remus. Furthermore, the fact that you can't elaborate your thoughts on this matter shows that you have an issue with self-expression._

_10. Seeing as you are the devil, and I have no interest in giving birth to demon children, I'll pass. Save the wizarding world? Seriously? Are you deluded?_

_11. I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request. The sum in question is far too high._

_12. Your far from fantastic facial features further force me to find fault with your farcical fantasy. Frankly, I find it freakishly foolish._

_13. It has also whiled away many hours of my time during which I could be doing something more interesting. Like watching paint dry._

_14. I just died a little on the inside._

_15. I think it's horrible that you blamed that one on poor, innocent Peter. That was most definitely a Potter creation, and a poorly phrased one at that. Shame on you, James, I've just lost even more respect for you._

_16. This coming from the bloke who walked out on a Divination class in fourth year saying that Astrology was a load of codswallop, just because Professor Poissons said that I was marginally more compatible with Sirius than with you??_

_17. Hmm, how about Damien?_

_18. I would never name my child after his father so… yes, I guess James is a good name for my first born._

_19. Do you also remember that it was Peter who eventually managed to find the earring? He had the right idea, looking under the sofa cushions. It was you who insisted that it had been stolen by a jealous suitor and hidden in McGonagall's tartan biscuit box._

_20. I do apologize. I'll never smile at you again._

_21. Yes, but I've always felt that I should rebel against at least one of my parents._

_22. Doesn't my father have fantastic intuition?_

_23. The inner organs of a flobberworm are better looking then Vernon Dursley. I could be dating Severus Snape and I could still rub it in her face._

_24. That tells me that I should give that phone number to Dumbledore too._

_25. Wow, Potter. If anything could change my mind, that would really be it._

_26. I would like a man who can make me laugh because of his wit, not at his pathetic desperation._

_27. Sorry Potter, but __Dr. Hackenbush__ is loyal to me, I'm the one who talks him up to my stuffed dolphin._

_28. Don't make a mess on the carpet if you do. Your mother wouldn't appreciate it._

_29. You know, suicide is generally only committed by the cowardly. That rather contradicts your constant bragging that you're the bravest Gryffindor there is._

_30. If I were to give you any advice, I would say do it the old fashioned way and drown yourself. In dishwater._

_31. Hmm, what more could I want?? Maybe someone who isn't going to disembowel himself/starve himself/set himself alight, just to get my attention. Who wants a relationship with a pathological attention seeker?_

_32. Sirius has to live with __you__._

_33. Well knock me down with a feather, even Sirius can get things right once in a while!!_

_34. Twelve specifically? Do you count them off? Is there a chart? Do you get a sticker every time he tells you that? And does he always use those exact words? Or is it more something along the lines of, 'Face it mate, you won't be getting in her knickers, ever.'_

_35. Of course I wouldn't. That's my first born son you're talking about._

_36. __This only goes to show that you don't know me. And I don't date strangers._

_37. One too many._

_38. Oh, I've had that dream so many times._

_39. Like lead a life that is free from stalkers and creepy perverts??_

_40. Only psychopaths become Kleptomaniacs. So really, there's a better chance that I'll become one if you stay._

_41. I already sit up at night, worrying that you're lurking outside my bedroom window on your broomstick._

_42. Really? Because I don't mind if they take yours._

_43. Considering everything I've had to put up with from you, I'm surprised that I don't have suitcases._

_44. Right. So that's three people to give the phone number to. Wow, I should go into PR._

_45. I could never fall in love with someone who makes such grievous errors in judgment._

_46. At the price of my mental health?_

_47. Imagine if you did! Can't you just picture me, in an insane asylum, all alone, constantly scrubbing myself to get rid of all traces of you?_

_48. Could you really live knowing that you were the cause of my lunacy and eventual demise?_

_49. Of course there are other girls who could measure up. I'm only 5'6!_

_50. Thus, saving the world from an apocalypse._

_51. Oh well, I'll never have to pretend to be nice to boring idiots ever again! Being universally loved is too much like hard work._

_52. At least I'll get some decorating done._

_53. Women, unlike men, can cope with being celibate. I could bake, watch television and read. Sounds like a nice, cozy life to me. With the added bonus of no you._

_54. I recommend driving a car over it. That should get rid of the cramp._

_55. Don't give me that, you bewitched your quill to write this letter for you._

_56. Oh my God. Urgh._

_57. It's such a pity that you hit Emmaline Vance in the face in your haste to get to the door and knocked two of her teeth out in the process, isn't it?_

_58. It's such a pity that you knocked Emmaline Vance over in your haste to get to the handbag and sprained her wrist in the process, isn't it?_

_59. It disturbs me greatly to know that you know that. I'm going to tell Beatrice to stop writing to you._

_60. Oh my god! This is even more convincing than the chicken dinner argument!_

_61. That is true. Your crotch is also at just at the right height for me to produce optimum damage every time you piss me off._

_62. You can't use it twice. Where's your originality, Potter? Not to mention the fact that the argument you put forward in this point is rendered moot by the subsequent point. You should really start proofreading._

_63. If I ever see you sniffing around a pot full of Amortentia, I'll run the other way._

_64. You would make some poor, innocent (albeit stupid) girl's life hell just because she isn't me?! And here's me thinking you were a nice, sweet boy. I think you're bipolar. Seriously, the phone number? Use it._

_65. You know what else sounds great? James and anybody else who isn't me._

_66. I spent two hours thinking of ways to change my identity and move to Antarctica without anyone noticing __because__ of this list. It was quite scary. And not at all charming._

_67 I didn't make any spelling errors either._

_68. And I didn't have to check. I'm just that good._

_69. Do you know how easy it was to think of seventy-four arguments? I think we all know who has the sharper wit in this relationship._

_70. I've been suffering from a migraine for the past six years. My migraine writes to me, follows me around the school and steals Quidditch equipment from Madame Hooch._

_71. I'm going to slap you. Hard. In the face._

_72. James knows tae kwon do. He can kill you in three moves. Sleep with one eye open tonight, Mr. Potter._

_73. Why don't you whip up a nice roast chicken dinner for him then??_

_74. Maybe…_

_I'm not falling for your lies, Potter. You talk with your mouth full. That's just disgusting._

_You put the image of our (never to be) child in my head. It's not pleasant. Thankfully, neither is it foreseeable. Also, our son will be named Harry, not James. I'm willing to consider the possibility of naming him Harry James Potter if you really do insist upon giving our son your name, but it doesn't matter because you and I are never going to have children. Therefore, Harry James Potter will never exist. The mere idea of bearing your children is rather frightening._

_I'm running out of parchment. Luckily enough, I'm going to Diagon Alley tomorrow where I shall purchase some. Unluckily enough, you'll be there too._

_Lots of love,_

_Lily xxx_

_PS. Do you still have that red t-shirt you wore to Hogsmeade last year? You know, the one that Black tried to stain by chucking curry over you? If so, you should wear it tomorrow because you always look really nice in it. Not that I fancy you or anything. LE_


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: It has been over two years. I don't even.**

**

* * *

Letter from Beatrice Booth to Karl Pilkerson**

_Saturday, 20th August, 1977_

_Karlos McBoyfriend,_

_So yeah, I've been back in the country since the end of July, forgot to tell you. Was looking for hot French boys to cheat on you with but I didn't find any. Shite life, isn't it? How are the Cotswolds? Seen any interesting insects, you boring old twat?_

_Anyway, I need you to come back from wherever the hell you are and talk to Lily – she's in a big funk and won't talk to anyone because of this tiny little incident in Diagon Alley yesterday when we went for lunch with James, Sirius, Remus and Peter. Seriously, she hit the shitbricks over something really ridiculous and went right back home to Surrey and now she isn't speaking to any of us. She's supposed to be at my house right now but instead she's off being a bloody diva. Ridiculous. She's always liked you, though I have no idea why, so you have to come back now and have a chat with her. The only person in the world who's stupider than she is acting right now is you – come back and speak to her on her level._

_I missed you while I was in France, Karl. Don't get too happy about it or anything._

_Love you,_

_Bea xxx_

_

* * *

_

**Letter from Karl Pilkerson to Beatrice Booth**

_Saturday, 20th August, 1977_

_Beatrice,_

_Alright, then._

_Karl_

_

* * *

_

**Letter from Peter Pettigrew to Beatrice Booth**

_Saturday, 20th August, 1977_

_Beatrice,_

_Hi, how are you? Is everything okay? Is Lily talking to you yet? I really am sorry about what I did yesterday! I assumed she knew! But even though she didn't, I don't see what the problem is! Now Lily and James both know that the other one likes them!_

_Although I suppose I understand why she's so mad. Still, I didn't expect her to smoosh ice cream in his face! Or yours, either! What a silly girl she is sometimes! And to think it was mint chocolate chip, too! It left such a horrible stain on your blouse!_

_Tell her I said I'm sorry again, will you?_

_Peter_

_

* * *

_

**Letter from Sirius Black to Beatrice Booth**

_Saturday, 20th August, 1977_

_Booth,_

_Lunch yesterday was cracking, excellent stuff. Everyone at Camp Potter is in a sulk, nobody talking to anyone else. Peter is Great Betrayer and all that crap. It's marvellous. Thanks for being such a shit best friend to Lily, otherwise I never would have witnessed all of this fun._

_Sirius_

_PS. Don't worry too much about Evans, she'll stop being a tit and come around eventually. If all else fails, remind yourself that it could be worse; your parents could still have an active sex life._

_Oh, wait._

_

* * *

_

**Letter from Remus Lupin to Beatrice Booth**

_Saturday, 20th August, 1977_

_Beatrice,_

_I was just wondering if you had heard anything from Lily today, or if she came back to your house last night like you hoped she would. I'm really sorry that things had to happen like that at lunch yesterday; I was definitely not expecting Peter to speak out like that. I wasn't aware that James had read the letter that Lily had accidentally sent to him instead of you, otherwise I would have checked with Peter to see if he knew or not and then made him promise not to mention it to Lily. The poor girl, she looked so embarrassed. I hope she doesn't think it was a horrible prank or anything._

_It was nice to see you yesterday, although we didn't get to talk much. How is Karl? Have you seen him lately? Lily said something about you getting married and I didn't really know what to think, but I just thought I'd congratulate you if that were true._

_Hope to see you again soon,_

_Remus_

_

* * *

_

**Letter from James Potter to Beatrice Booth**

_Saturday, 20th August, 1977_

_Beatrice,_

_Have you heard from her yet? I've messed up completely, haven't I? She hates me, doesn't she? I never should have told Peter about what she said in her letter to you but I was so excited and Sirius was off chasing skirt or something and I needed to tell someone and Peter was just conveniently there, you know? In that way Peter is. He's a moron and I tried blanking him but then he got really upset and started doing that thing where he gets depressed and sits in the corner with his arms wrapped around his legs and I had to forgive him for the sake of my own sanity._

_I am such an idiot and I don't deserve her and she has every right to hate me for invading her privacy and lying about it. I'm really bloody sorry that you're being dragged through the mud, too, mate. I'm a shit. Tell her I'm a shit, won't you? She should be informed._

_James_

_

* * *

_

**Letter from Beatrice Booth to Lily Evans**

_Saturday, 20th August 1977_

_Lily,_

_I have not. Stopped. Getting. Fucking. Letters. All day long. The sound of owls screeching outside the house is pissing off that old granny who lives next door and my pregnant mother who came home from aunty Leanne's last night with swollen feet and a bad temper, and is now in a worse temper because of the batty granny and the psychopath owls and Aaron playing the drums at top volume because he thinks that's drowning out the rest of the noise. I can't deal with this nonsense, so you need to sort this out. That's what you and I do, Lily Evans. I make the nonsense happen and you make it go away. Let's not switch roles; that'd mean you'd have to marry Karl._

_I understand that you hate everyone on earth right now and I love you and I think that you're completely allowed to act like a crazy person whenever you feel like it, darling. But if you don't take the burden of some of these letters from me I will personally come to Surrey and force-feed them to you while your sister and her boyfriend stand there and applaud me all day long and then Vernon will roast you on a spit and eat you because he's a big, fat beast._

_Seriously, Lily. It wasn't a big deal, nobody was planning anything nasty and you're only embarrassing yourself more by going into exile._

_Come back to my house, okay? Or if not, just write back. I'm missing you._

_Bea_

_

* * *

_

**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Sunday, 21th August 1977_

_Lily,_

_You know, I spent the whole of Friday evening and all of yesterday feeling like the biggest arse on the planet, but I woke up this morning pretty mad at you. I get that I was an arse for reading that letter that you sent to Beatrice and I'm sorry about it and I'm sorry for lying and I'll never stop being sorry, but nobody was playing a prank on you on Friday. Peter blurted it out because that's what he does, he's Peter; he says stupid stuff at inappropriate times and makes me want to shove a nail through his foot. It's a human fault, just like how Remus is in love with your best friend and won't tell her. Just like how Sirius says mean crap to people without thinking about how it might hurt their feelings. Just like how I'm so crazy about you that I do stupid things like accidentally read a letter I wasn't supposed to and panic because I don't know what to do and end up making it worse._

_And, incidentally, just like how your pride is so insufferable that you run off after being mildly embarrassed at lunch and refuse to talk to anyone about it, __not even your best friend__._

_Really, Lily, you're just wasting time that could be spent better. I like you, and you like me, and school starts in ten days and you're going to be my girlfriend by then whether you like it or not. Except, I'd rather you did like it. I shouldn't have read your letter but at least it's all out in the open now. I'm not going to break your heart or anything, I'll be too busy living in fear that you're going to do the same to me when somebody better comes along, because believe me, it'll happen._

_Just write back or something, yeah? We can talk crap about stuffed animals and fibreglass and chickens and mayonnaise having babies together and stuff. And I'll make you another list._

_Stop being a stubborn cow,_

_James_

_

* * *

_

**Letter from Lily Evans to Vernon Dursley**

_Monday, 22nd August 1977_

_Dear Vernon,_

_Hi there! Petunia here! I just wanted to let you know that whenever we make love, the noises that your fat, sweaty, beastly body make when you thrash around on top of me are deafeningly loud and prevent my beautiful, angelic, blameless younger sister from sleeping at night. Just because my mother and father are gone to a concert in London doesn't mean that you can get to jamming in my bedroom. Having sex with you is disgusting enough without you making pig noises and occasionally farting. How did I end up stuck with such a grotesque piece of crap for a boyfriend? I'm a lucky, lucky girl._

_Stop making fun of my sister. Stop ribbing her because she has red hair and freckles and stop being jealous of her because she doesn't gain a pound just by walking past a fast food restaurant, like YOU do. Stop advising her to join a dating agency and send in a photo of me so that she stands a chance of getting a reply; she is lovely and I look like a horse and you look like a horse-shagging farmer, which I guess is why we make such a good couple. Lily is lovely and she has magical powers. She could turn you into a beetle and stomp on you if she felt like it. Then I would hoover you up with the vacuum cleaner because I hate dirt of any kind. I would hoover you up now except you are morbidly obese and you would break my vacuum cleaner with your fat ass._

_You are dumped, Vernon Dursley. Duh-humped._

_Lots of hatred and bile rising in my throat forevermore,_

_Petunia_

_PS. This is actually Lily but I am going to use my magical powers to make my sister despise you, just you wait and see. Live in fear, pig, live in fear._

_

* * *

_

**Letter from Lily Evans to Dr. Hackenbush, the stuffed octopus**

_Monday, 22nd August 1977_

_Dear Dr. Hackenbush,_

_You are my only friend in the world, you know._

_I am going crazy because the only letters I have written today are to my sister's prattish boyfriend and a stuffed animal, and I miss Beatrice and I miss the boys and I'm in love with your old owner and he lied to me, and I feel like I should be mad, so I am mad. Or pretending to be mad. Really I am mad but I guess the level of annoyance isn't quite as high as it would have been if I were properly in possession of any sense at all. And if I didn't want to marry the person I'm mad at. Or supposed to be mad at.  
_

_It was so embarrassing, though, having Peter say that and having everyone look at me and having Snape there watching on in the background, too. I thought that everyone was playing a horrible prank on me and I exploded into this stupid fury out of nowhere and ran off and now I will forever be known as That Girl Who Stormed Out Of Fortesque's In A Temper And Reinforced The Stereotype About Redheaded Women Being Raging Bitch Demons From Hell. Now I'm too ashamed to write to anybody and apologize._

_I miss James, you know. You've stopped smelling like him now, so I guess you're the only one I'm actually mad at. Stupid, stuffed fluffball._

_Lily_

_

* * *

_

**Letter from Karl Pilkerson to Lily Evans**

_Tuesday, 23rd August 1977_

_Alright, Lily?_

_Leave it out, yeah? Just tell him you like him, he's a nice bloke. One time I was in Hogsmeade and I'd lost me money and he gave me a loan of a few galleons and never asked for 'em back. That's how I know._

_Karl_

_

* * *

_

**Letter from Lily Evans to Karl Pilkerson**

_Tuesday, 23rd August 1977_

_Karl,_

_I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about most of the time._

_But thank you._

_Lily_

_

* * *

_

**Letter from Lily Evans to Beatrice Booth**

_Tuesday, 23rd August 1977_

_Bea,_

_Darling, I'm sorry for freaking out at you and smashing an ice cream into your face, and for shouting at you, and for insinuating that you ever would have been involved in some kind of nasty plot to humiliate me. I panicked and assumed it was all James' idea, and it wasn't and I realize that now. So before I write anything else, which won't be much because I've decided to come back to stay again on Friday, I just wanted you to know how sorry I am. You are going through enough what with the fact that your parents are going at it and you're in love with two different men and one of them is bald and the other one won't admit he likes you back. If it's any consolation, though, at least you love the both of them. It'd be terribly depressing if you loved Remus more than you loved Karl._

_I'm going to go through with this James Potter thing, Bea. I'm absolutely terrified. If it goes wrong and, quite frankly, it might, it'll be all your fault for encouraging me and I'll feed you to Vernon._

_Love you always,_

_Lily xxxx_

_PS. You should love your boyfriend more, he deserves it._

_

* * *

_

**Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter**

_Wednesday, 24th August 1977_

_James,_

_Bugger it, Potter. I like you. _

_Petunia and Vernon are out for the day, visiting the beach with some of their friends. My parents are out at a garden centre. Parents love garden centres. Especially mine; they love flowers, if you hadn't already guessed. I never really understood why parents loved places like garden centres and homeware departments so much but then I think about having my own home one day and the idea strikes me as a really nice one. It must be lovely to have your own house and decorate it and live in it and watch the place develop a personality. I guess that will happen for me soon; I'm eighteen. Strange to think that we're growing up, isn't it? Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I'm all by myself at the house, and I guess I miss you, and I guess I'm sorry about the other day, and I guess I'm kind of... really missing you.  
_

_Do you want to come over? Maybe you could explain to me what being your girlfriend would entail, I've never been your girlfriend before; I'm a little hazy on the details._

_Lily x_

_

* * *

_

**Letter from Lily Evans to Beatrice Booth**

_Thursday, 25th August 1977_

_Bea,_

_James Potter is an exceptionally good kisser._

_Just so you know._

_Lily  
_

**A/N: I was going to leave it like that but I thought of a little epilogue and it's cute, so one more chapter. Sorry you all had to wait so long for something so lame.**


	7. Epilogue

**Author's Note: It's the fi-nal count-down! Not really, though, it's the final chapter. To be more specific, it's the epilogue. I can't believe it took me four years to write seven of these - that is exceedingly pathetic.**

**

* * *

**

**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Sunday, 28th August 1977_

_Lillers, _

_Good morning, beautiful!_

_As you already know, I don't get to see you today. I know that this is tragic, but please refrain from jumping off your roof and crashing into the rhododendron bushes below your window, thus needlessly ending your life. Hang in there! You can do it! I believe in you! _

_I'm writing you a letter in order to fill the gaping chasm my absence has left in your very soul. You were probably thinking about comfort eating but I know for a fact that comfort eating doesn't work, and then the fridge ends up empty and before you know it your mother is smacking you round the back of the head with a rolled-up newspaper and you're spending your savings on a weekly grocery shop. Writing to me to ease your pain would work out a lot better for the both of us. Now, I know that a letter just doesn't cut the mustard (How __do__ you cut mustard? I want to know. Is there some kind of Muggle method?) when the alternative is having me with you instead, but I hereby promise on Godric Gryffindor's legacy itself that I will be with you tomorrow no matter what fresh horror of a family event my mother tries to drag me to. I am only going with her today because she guilted me into it._

_My mother really wants to meet you, by the way. Are you scared? I would be. She throws ice cubes down the back of my shirt when I lean my elbows on the table at dinner. That's just not normal for a woman her age._

_I miss you, midget,_

_James x_

_

* * *

_

**Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter**

_Sunday, 28th August 1977_

_James,_

_I am actually going to attempt… to write you a love letter. Don't even think about laughing at me._

_I am not frightened to meet your mother at all and if her supposed ill-treatment of you is any indication of her everyday behaviour I will love her madly. My table manners are impeccable. Plus, she's sure to be grateful to me for finally taking her idiot son off her hands._

_I miss you too. So much._

_Lily x_

_PS. You don't cut mustard. Idiot._

_

* * *

_

**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Sunday, 28th August 1977_

_Lily,_

_This isn't to say that I would ever even __think__ to criticize anything you do or any idea you might take into your pretty little head, but that really wasn't much of a love letter at all. I wouldn't have known it was a love letter at all if you hadn't told me because it was lacking in anything that might have indicated as much. It was more like a pre-emptive… love sneeze, and not much of a sneeze at that. Your love tissue is barely even snotty. I'm in absolutely no danger of catching love flu from your disappointingly snotless love tissue and quite frankly, darling, you're no good at this sort of thing._

_I suggest you research the matter further and get back to me with a love letter of more substance and sentimental phlegm. I shall then, of course, reply with a letter of my own that will be infinitely better, the kind of letter that could erect spontaneous mountains in the middle of nowhere and upend people's homes by the sheer power of emotion. It'll be so good, you'll catch love pneumonia and be forced to travel to the love hospital and visit the love doctor. I'm the love doctor, by the way. That was the point of this whole spiel, to let you know that._

_My mummy loves me and she'll never want to let me go! How dare you even suggest such a horrible thing?_

_Laughing at you,_

_James xx_

_

* * *

_

**Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter**

_Sunday, 28th August 1977_

_James,_

_I think it's really disgusting that you would compare our relationship to a snot-rag and even more so that you can shamelessly refer to yourself as a 'love doctor'. It makes you sound like a lounge lizard. Please bear in mind that if you grow your hair out long and start crooning Tom Jones songs in seedy bars whilst sporting a smoking jacket and occasionally holding a rose between your teeth, I will end you and then I will end __us__. Forever._

_I am fully aware of the fact that I didn't include the aforementioned love letter in my last letter, Potter. That was merely an official notification that you would be receiving one soon. I can't follow up a sentence as acerbic as 'don't even think about laughing at me' with a pile of emotional mush. If you weren't already aware of this, it is rather __difficult__ to fill a letter full of __warmth__ and __emotion__ when you have a boyfriend who __laughs__ at you __constantly__. I thought that warning you in advance might help you prepare yourself in the event that you might want to roll around on the floor giggling at your silly girlfriend and the stupid letter she wrote you that expressed all of her deepest feelings for you._

_It doesn't matter anyway because you're not getting one now._

_You are ridiculously competitive to the point where you will add one more kiss than I did after your name when you sign off, just to beat me. Don't think I didn't notice that. You are far too old to be stooping to this level of petty competition. And I am completely and utterly right about your mother._

_Lily xxx_

_

* * *

_

**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Sunday, 28th August 1977_

_Lily,_

_What is a lounge lizard? Some sort of Muggle animal who inhabits the living room? Furthermore, who is this Tom Jones person and why are you so clearly planning to leave me for him? If he so much as thinks about going after you I'll kick his bloody stupid arse from here to the Slytherin common room and LEAVE HIM THERE. I'll leave him there with Mulciber and his lazy eye. That'll teach Tom Jones not to attempt to steal my woman again, Lily, you mark my words._

_I would never laugh at a love letter you sent me, you daft cow. I'd pretend to laugh if any of the boys saw me reading it, perhaps, but I wouldn't __really__ laugh. I'd treasure it like a great big mushy baby. If there's any part of your brain telling you that I would actually laugh at a love letter you sent me as opposed to keeping it and reading it constantly and walking around with a stupid, sappy smile on my face for the next fifty years, you're absolutely mental. Don't take that lightly, either; that's a hard thing for any bloke to admit, especially a manly man such as myself._

_I only laugh at you constantly because you're magnificent when you're angry and laughing at you makes you angry. Also, because you got your foot stuck in the cat's food bowl and fell flat on your face in the middle of your garden just as I was being formally introduced to your parents for the first time ever. Anyone would have laughed. How this suddenly translated to me laughing at you __constantly__ (your liberal use of underlining is ridiculous) is beyond me. You __are __mental._

_I'm just trying to demonstrate how my love grows with every second that passes, I swear! Also, you're losing!_

_James xxxx_

_PS. I have written something monumentally stupid in each and every letter I've sent you since the start of summer. Literally __every__ time I sent the owl away with a letter for you I'd immediately want to rush down to the garden pond and drown myself for being such a bastard. Especially during the earlier ones, which were even more stupidly perverted than I could even comprehend and, I dunno, made me want to cry blood or something. How you actually ended up falling for me is something beyond even what my imagination can stretch to. I am incredibly lucky and grateful and sorry for always being such a prat. Forgive me?_

_AND GIVE ME MY LETTER! I WANT!_

_

* * *

_

**Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter**

_Sunday, 28th August 1977_

_James,_

_A lounge lizard is a slimy cabaret singer type of person who preys on women and does hideous things like finger guns. I've seen you do finger guns before so this obviously makes you a lounge lizard. I won't be surprised if you get your ear pierced all of a sudden; it'll all be part of your subtle transformation from regular James to grotesque James. And Tom Jones, for your information, is a Welsh recording artist who has never seen me before in his life. Your jealousy issues are really quite disturbing and I think you should see somebody about them._

_(Don't tell anyone, but I like that you get jealous. Furthermore, were you to actually see somebody concerning your jealousy issues I'd prefer that person to be a man because I don't like the idea of you revealing intimate secrets to other women; it makes me want to throw things at the wall.)_

_You are a sap. I can't believe my boyfriend is such a... girl. Shame on you! Man up! How am I supposed to show my face in school on Monday if I'm on the arm of a Weeping Wendy? I'll lose my credibility amongst the womenfolk of the school and McGonagall won't want me to be a Head student any longer and they'll give the job to Philomena Yaxley instead and I know how you hate Philomena Yaxley. You keep telling me that you're a manly man with big muscles and nerves of steel and now you spring this on me three days before we go back? I don't even..._

_Disgusted with you right now,_

_Lily xxxxx_

_PS. I fell for you because you are amazing, you stupid boy. Stop thinking that your letters were stupid - they made me laugh and I kept rereading them over and over and getting mad at myself for doing it because it was entirely too hard to keep denying to myself that I had feelings for you - you're such a persistent little bugger. I'm glad I didn't keep denying it; you really are kind of super. You're also very good at impressing my parents, and at climbing up my drainpipe at two in the morning without anybody in my house noticing, and you're especially good at horrifying my sister. I love that you can somehow horrify my sister without so much as uttering a rude word to her; that's a pretty specialized talent you've got there._

_

* * *

_

**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Sunday, 28th August 1977_

_Lily,_

_In spite of the fact that my father is a Muggle music aficionado and has a massive record collection in his study that does, indeed, include the major works of Tom Jones, I still refuse to believe this. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to put my trust in you, won't I?_

_When have you ever seen me do finger guns, excepting for when I play Quidditch or hanging about with the lads or when I'm deliberately attempting to annoy you? You ought to stop making up such dirty lies because you'll be found out and nobody will trust you anymore and then I'll be forced to do finger guns all the time just to restore your reputation as a paragon of purity and truth. This is the extent to which I will sacrifice myself for you, Lily, aren't you just the luckiest girl on the planet?_

_I'm not even going to dignify your slights on my masculinity with a response. Ouch!_

_Hurt by your cruel remarks,_

_James xxxxxx_

_PS. I'm going to take that postscript as a mini love letter and there's nothing you can do about it except come over here, to my aunt's house, and wrestle it from my fingers, which would be difficult because I've got a very strong grip and you have no idea where my aunt's house is. Also, you would not endear yourself to my family by coming over unannounced and beating me up. Nobody but my mother would appreciate that._

_

* * *

_

**Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter**

_Sunday, 28th August 1977_

_James,_

_I absolutely demand that you escape your aunt's house and come over right now. My mother is on duty at the hospital today and my father just left to go out with his mates and I have no idea where Petunia is but the fact of the matter is that I am alone in the house, which is something that hasn't happened since… Thursday and come Wednesday we'll be back at school and we'll never get a minute to ourselves because there is always somebody around, poking their nose in my business._

_Actually, you're normally the one who is always hanging around and poking his nose in my business but that hardly matters now, does it? We're meant to be Head students this year and we'll never get any work done if I keep diving on you during meetings because we haven't had enough time to ourselves during the week._

_So, just… come over right now because I miss you._

_Lily xxxxxxx_

_PS. Feel free to take it in whatever way you want, just get your arse over here now._

_

* * *

_

**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Sunday, 28th August 1977_

_Lily,_

_I will more than happily come over if you can give me a good enough reason to. As you know, my mother insisted that I come to this party in order to see the members of my extended family because we're very rarely in contact with them and this is very important to her. I simply cannot defy her and leave such a crucial event unless I have ample reason to, so I'm afraid you're going to have to beg me._

_James xxxxxxxx_

_PS. Did you happen to know that my girlfriend is the most beautiful girl in the world? And that's only the least of what I love about her._

_

* * *

_

**Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter**

_Sunday, 28th August 1977_

_James,_

_Sugarplum, munchkin, sweetheart,_

_Stop being such a bastard._

_I am not going to beg you for anything, not ever. What kind of woman do you take me for? I simply expect you to be a good boyfriend and do as you're told and GET HERE now before Petunia gets back and ruins everything. She doesn't know that you slept in my bed on Friday night but I'm sure she suspects and she'd probably tell my parents if she saw you turn up when they were both gone. At least if you get here before she does we can go out or something and she'd never have to know you were here. We could go into town and have lunch! Like a proper date! Or we could go to the cinema, have you ever been to a cinema? It's sunny outside so we could go to the lake and have a picnic, too._

_Or we could just hide in my bedroom and kiss? I bet you can't do any kissing at your aunt's house, can you?_

_I sincerely hope you can't,_

_Lily xxxxxxxxx_

_PS. ! ! ! ! ! ! You're the best boyfriend ever!_

_

* * *

_

**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Sunday, 28th August 1977_

_Lily,_

_Darling, sunshine, angel,_

_If you're not going to beg, then you mustn't really want me to go, and I can hardly waste my time turning up to your house if I'm only half-wanted, can I? Furthermore, this Petunia business all sounds very dodgy and I'd hate to land you in trouble with your lovely parents, so perhaps I'll just stay where I am for now. I just haven't been fully convinced that you really want me there, you know?_

_Of course there is no kissing going on in my aunt's house, unless you're talking about the icky kind of kissing that goes on when your aunt demands you plant one on her cheek. That happened earlier. It was kind of disgusting because Sheila has a really hairy face (you've got such lovely, soft skin, now that I mention it) and obviously hasn't ever been informed that there are spells for that kind of thing. It's really unpleasant, kissing somebody with stubble. I'll take extra care to shave every single morning from now on, all for your benefit._

_Also, you are the only person in the world who I would ever want to kiss, and you always will be._

_James xxxxxxxxxx_

_PS. I know, I'm well brilliant!_

_

* * *

_

**Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter**

_Sunday, 28th August 1977_

_James,_

_You're being really mean. No fair._

_Lily xxxxxxxxxxx_

_

* * *

_

**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Sunday, 28th August 1977_

_Lily,_

_It's merely my crippling ego problem making a shocking reappearance, darling. I'm really just trying to get you to write loads of nice things about how you think I'm marvellous because my head just isn't inflated enough. Once my ego has been boosted to the brim, I'll come and see you, so get to complimenting._

_I might just add that you knew about my massive ego before you asked me to be your boyfriend (I can't wait to tell everyone at school that __you__ asked __me__ and not the other way around, you loser) so you can't go crying about it now, nor can you dump me for it._

_James xxxxxxxxxxxx_

_

* * *

_

**Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter**

_Sunday, 28th August 1977_

_James,_

_I have made peace with your ego problem, unfortunately. It must be a sign of how much I have mentally regressed if I am prepared to put up with your awful overconfidence and even find it slightly charming, or very charming, depending on my mood. That in itself is a compliment so you better savour it. I am so annoyed with you right now that I'm not prepared to give you any more for at least the rest of our lives._

_Do not attempt to underestimate my abilities. I can get you to come over here in less than a proper sentence, and I absolutely will do so if you continue to push me to it._

_Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxx_

_

* * *

_

**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Sunday, 28th August 1977_

_Midget,_

_Oh yeah? Oh yeah? You think so?_

_Go on, then. Give it your best shot. I shall remain unmoved._

_James xxxxxxxxxxxxxx_

_

* * *

_

**Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter**

_Sunday, 28th August 1977_

_James,_

_I love you._

_Lily x_

_

* * *

_

**Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans**

_Sunday, 28th August 1977_

_Lily,_

… _I'll be there in five minutes._

_Love you too,_

_James x_

_

* * *

_

**A/N: FOUR WHOLE YEARS, THIS STORY TOOK TO FINISH. WHAT ON EARTH IS **_**WRONG**_** WITH ME?**


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